Free By My Side by Alice Peterson Page B

turn it off.
    ‘Cass, what’s wrong?’
    I reach for my glass of water. ‘I didn’t think I was that bad … I didn’t think I looked like that.’
    ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘That ugly.’
    Edward offers me a cigarette.
    ‘It’s no smoking in here,’ Lindsey reminds him.
    He lights up. ‘Fuck off. Why are you making us do this? Can’t you see we don’t want to look at ourselves?’
    ‘Well, I don’t mind all that much,’ Trevor says, hoping to break the tension. ‘I mean, I’ve never been much of a beauty queen,
moi
.’
    Jenny and Alex are quiet. Tom is gazing at his feet, humming.
    ‘But it’s about the dogs,’ Lindsey tries to explain to us again, ‘and their interaction with you. This is an essential part of the training. I know it’s difficult but—’
    ‘It’s not just about the fucking dogs!’ Edward shouts now.
    ‘Edward! Calm down, please.’
    ‘What part of this don’t you get? At home I have no mirrors, right? Don’t you understand? I hate seeing me.’
    Lindsey sits down. ‘I know it’s hard, but if you want to take Tinkerbell home, you need to put the past behind you. You have a chance at a new life, Edward. It’s not the same as your old one, but it could be a good life.’
    ‘Don’t fucking patronise me.’
    Unfazed, Lindsey says, ‘Are you going to take it?’
    ‘It’s too late. I don’t want this fucking life. I’m in hell. This is hell on wheels,’ he says, leaving the room.
    *
    Later that evening there’s a knock on my door. ‘Come in,’ I call. Jenny enters, Captain by her side. Ticket immediately jumps up, his tail wagging. They play for a minute until Jenny says, firmly, ‘Down, now. Good boy.’ Captain lies down by her chair but keeps a close eye on Ticket.
    ‘I was checking to see if you were all right?’ she asks in her soft voice.
    ‘Fine, thanks.’
    She isn’t convinced.
    ‘Really, I’m fine, Jenny. It’s Edward I’m worried about.’
    She nods. ‘I don’t like the filming either.’
    ‘You’d never know.’
    ‘I want to do my best for Captain. He didn’t ask to be an assistant dog so we have to do this, for our boys.’ There’s a pause. ‘Besides, I was in hospital for twenty years.’
    ‘For two years?’
    ‘No, twenty.’
    ‘You’re joking!’ is the first stupid thing to tumble out of my mouth, but of course I know she’s not.
    ‘I was told I was in the best place,’ she continues in a voice so calm, like waves gently rolling on to the shore. ‘No one could cope with me being at home. I needed too much care.’
    I am out of my depth, struggling to know the right thing to say. ‘What kept you going all that time?’
    ‘I put my name down on a housing list. I had the faintest hope that one of these days I’d get out. I couldn’t accept that I was going to die in hospital. I had to believe I’d go back into the community. Every day I’d think of people who were worse off than me. I know what you’re thinking,’ she says, when she registers my incredulous face, ‘but I’m glad I didn’t give up, and if that doesn’t make me a strong person, nothing will.’
    ‘How did you hear about Canine Partners?’
    ‘It was a guardian angel day. My sister was taking me out for a change of scene and we walked past one of the staff rooms where there was a demonstration going on. Lindsey told me to come in and watch. “I have to have one of those,” I said to her afterwards. The hospital didn’t think anyone in their right
mind
would give me a dog but Lindsey was always positive. I worked so hard to leave that place for this one. My lap,’ she says to him, and Captain jumps up, both paws pressed against her knees, and she strokes him affectionately.
    I look at her. She has seen nothing but her four walls and yet I think she’s seen more than most of us, especially me. ‘Is it wonderful to be out?’
    She shakes her head. ‘Strange too. Technology has moved on so much in the last twenty years, what with Facebook and