Free Colour Series Box Set by Ashleigh Giannoccaro Page B

see it in her eyes I broke my toy. She leaves, slamming the door behind her.
    After Cassie left I drank a bottle of scotch and wallowed in the reality of leaving everything I have ever known behind. I go to bed feeling like shit and I sink into sleep almost as fast as I can fall onto my bed. I’m woken what feels like way too fucking early by my phone ringing and someone beating on the door yelling at me. The brain fog clears enough for me to see and hear its Callum both calling and knocking. What the fuck? It’s six in the morning he is never up before noon unless he hasn’t gone to bed yet?
    “Hold on asshole!” I yell fumbling around for my stupid house keys. As I unlock the door Callum bursts in at me. Fuming, he grabs my throat yelling at me like a mad man. “What did you do Rowan?” I am instantly confused. I went to bed drunk and very much alone. What is he on about? He sees my confusion and lets me go. Good move, I was about to backhand him. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy I wonder how much he drank last night, is he still drunk he is acting batshit fucking crazy. “You don’t know do you?” He’s breathless and cautiously looks into my eyes trying to see truth. “What the fuck are you on about at fucking six in the morning Callum. I had a shit night I need to fucking sleep it off.”
    He eyes me even more suspiciously now, a frown forming on his face “You really don’t know, do you? Ro, did you tell Cassie you were leaving?” I nod at him. “She left and never came back I asked her to let me go. She knows I don’t love her. Yet she says she loves me anyways.” Hence my hangover asshole.
    “You fucking idiot! You stupid fucking idiot! Did you know Cassie was pregnant Rowan? Did you know?” He screams at me prodding my chest with his finger. The horror on my face surely gives me away as I shake my head not believing his words at him and launch towards my car keys and the door “Oh God Cal, where is she, who told you?”
    Callum’s face turns snow white and he collapses on the end on my bed next to me. Something is horribly wrong and he doesn’t want to tell me he swallowing hard like a scared little kid. “Spit it out Cal.” I sit back down next to him angry at him now and scared shitless for what may come out of his mouth.
    “Rowan the Coroner told me when I was called to identify her body at three this morning. No one could reach you. Cassie left here last night and she killed herself. She jumped off the top of her parents building. I’m so sorry man. So sorry.
    I can’t breathe and feel my scotch dinner rising up my throat, burning its way up as I start to wretch. I am going to be sick. I lurch for the small dustbin next to my dresser and relieve my stomach of its fiery contents until there is nothing left to bring up. My throat burns like I swallowed razor blades for breakfast. Callum just sits there white as a sheet, like a ghost not moving at all. She never told me, why? I never gave her a chance that’s why! I am all of a sudden filled with rage for the child she’s stolen from me. Then the truth hits me like a punch to the guts, I told her I couldn’t love anyone that’s why, she knew I couldn’t love her or our child so she chose to jump. I feel the bile climbing my throat again this is all my fault. Another two numbers that are all on me. My cold heart killed Cassie, she is dead because I could not love her.
    Callum waits, he just sits there while I go through the motions, first I’m sick then I’m angry and throw and smash anything a touch and I yell and I scream nothing makes it any better it’s burning me from the inside out. I curse God and all the fucking saints. Then I cry. I cry one lonely tear for my child that I might just have been able to love. I cry that tear for never getting the chance. Then I get up, leaving Callum sitting on my bed watching me unravel in front of him and I go say goodbye to my parents. The gloomy day matches the cemetery and my mood. After