Free Melted & Shattered by Emily Eck Page B

boiling inside me.
    “Get out.” Now that he was here, I couldn’t stand to look at him. He stood up, but made no moves to the door. He reached out for my hand, but I pulled it away, like his touch would burn. I closed my eyes, trying to take deep breaths through my nose so I didn’t totally lose it. When I opened my eyes, he was still there.
    I tried again. “Get out of my apartment.”
    Again, he made no effort to leave. I shoved him in the chest, but he barely moved. The rage I’d used deep breaths to keep at bay came out with the vengeance of a woman who’d been shot by her lover.
    “Get out!” I screamed, beating my fists against his chest. “Get the fuck out! Get out of my apartment you fucking bastard! Get out!”
    He didn’t budge, so I pushed past him and started pacing in the living room. I fisted my hair, pulling it until it hurt. I was so conflicted. One part of me was irate at the man in front of me, while another part of me was irate with myself for still having feelings for him. I was smarter than this. I wasn’t a damsel in mother fucking distress. Yet, here I was, falling apart in front of his eyes.
    “I’m not going to say I’m sorry . Words like that can’t convey the level of remorse I have. I didn’t want you to find out, and in the end, you found out in the worst possible way.”
    I continued pacing circles in my living room. How could I be listening to him? How could I listen to a single word that came out of his mouth?
    “I fucking kill people, Elle . It’s what I do. It’s what I have to do. It’s kill or be killed. A year ago I was ready to die, but you shined your light on me. I can’t go back, baby. I can’t go back to the darkness. Please, Elle, don’t make me go back to the emptiness.”
    His face was contorted due to horrific amounts of pain. His pain flowed through him, and it slammed into me. I felt my heart contract when he begged, “Please. I need you.”
    “I can’t. I can’t, J.” I stopped pacing. Looking him in the eye, facing the damage that was my life, I pled with my own eyes. “It’s not me. Fucking kill me. I made peace with the universe a long time ago. You were going to shoot my kid.”
    “I had no choice.”
    “It doesn’t matter.” I ran my hand through my hair. “How can I love a killer?”
    There was silence, deafening silence. I tried to keep it together. I used every ounce of energy I had to keep the fire at a low flame, but it blazed through me. He would’ve shot my kid, and I couldn’t let that happen. These kids, they’d become my lifeline. My light.
    “Without those kids, I’m just as dark as you,” I said, not a drop of emotion in my voice. I was empty, despondent. These last few weeks of pretending during the day, only to come home and sob until sleep graced me was maddening. “I’ve got nothing left to give you, J. Nothing.” I hung my head, losing the fight with the tears that had been threatening to erupt since he arrived. “I can’t be your light, when I have none.”
    I stood there, shattered, sobs shaking my body.
    “I didn’t come here to apologize. I can never take back what I did.” J caught me in his arms, right before my limbs gave out on me and I crumbled to the ground. He pulled me to his chest. Rocking back and forth, he held my body while his own trembled. “I came here, baby, to tell you I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”  He inhaled sharply, but said in an even voice. “And I can’t lose you before the greatest fight I will ever wage.”
    A single tear fell down his cheek. With a cleansing breath, I wiped it away and implored, “How? How can you possibly fix this?”
    “I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything. But please, don’t leave me. Not yet. Not before I have a chance to get out of the darkness and be your light. Baby, I’ll be the light for the both of us. Just promise me you’ll let me. Promise me you’ll give me a shot at redemption. Please.”
    His voice cracked on