Free Old Man's War Boxed Set 1 by John Scalzi Page A

this assignment because my small build gives the recruit the impression that he or she can beat the hell out of me. I am a very good ‘little twerp.’ However, I am capable of restraining a recruit if I have to. Though usually I don’t have to. As I said, I do this a lot.”
    “It’s not a very nice job,” I said. I had finally managed to get myself back into a rational state of mind.
    “‘It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it,’” the man said. “I find it interesting, in that every recruit has a different thing that causes him or her to explode. But you’re right. It’s a high-stress assignment. It’s not really for everyone.”
    “I bet you’re not very popular in bars,” I said.
    “Actually, I’m told I’m quite charming. When I’m not intentionally pissing people off, that is. Mr. Perry, we’re all finished here. If you’ll step through the door to your right, you’ll begin your next assessment.”
    “They’re not going to try to piss me off again, are they?”
    “You may become pissed off,” the man said, “but if you do, it’ll be on your own. We only do this test once.”
    I headed to the door, then stopped. “I know you were doing your job,” I said. “But I still want you to know. My wife was a wonderful person. She deserves better than to be used like this.”
    “I know she does, Mr. Perry,” the man said. “I know she does.”
    I went through the door.
    In the next room, a very nice young lady, who happened to be completely naked, wanted me to tell her anything I could possibly remember about my seventh birthday party.
     
    “I can’t believe they showed us that film right before dinner,” Jesse said.
    “It wasn’t right before dinner,” Thomas said. “The Bugs Bunny cartoon was after that. Anyway, it wasn’t so bad.”
    “Yes, well, maybe you’re not utterly disgusted by a film on intestinal surgery, Mister Doctor, but the rest of us found it pretty disturbing,” Jesse said.
    “Does this mean you don’t want your ribs?” Thomas said, pointing to her plate.
    “Did anyone else get the naked woman asking about your childhood?” I asked.
    “I got a man,” Susan said.
    “Woman,” said Harry.
    “Man,” said Jesse.
    “Woman,” said Thomas.
    “Man,” said Alan.
    We all looked at him.
    “What?” Alan said. “I’m gay.”
    “What was the point of that?” I asked. “About the naked person, I mean, not about Alan being gay.”
    “Thanks,” Alan said dryly.
    “They’re trying to provoke particular responses, that’s all,” said Harry. “All of today’s tests have been of pretty basic intellectual or emotional responses, the foundation of more complex and subtle emotions and intellectual abilities. They’re just trying to figure out how we think and react on a primal level. The naked person was obviously trying to get you all worked up sexually.”
    “But what was that whole thing about asking you about your childhood, is what I’m saying,” I said.
    Harry shrugged. “What’s sex without a little guilt?”
    “What pissed me off was the one where they got me all pissed off,” Thomas said. “I swear I was going to clobber that guy. He said the Cubs ought to have been demoted to the minor leagues after they went two centuries without a World Series championship.”
    “That sounds reasonable to me,” Susan said.
    “Don’t you start,” Thomas said. “Man. Pow. I’m telling you. You don’t mess with the Cubs.”
     
    If the first day was all about demeaning feats of intellect, the second day was about demeaning feats of strength, or lack thereof.
    “Here’s a ball,” one proctor said to me. “Bounce it.” I did. I was told to move on.
    I walked around a small athletic track. I was asked to run a small distance. I did some light calisthenics. I played a video game. I was asked to shoot at a target on a wall with a light gun. I swam (I liked that part. I’ve always liked swimming, so long as my head’s above water). For two