Free Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman Page B

was my job to test everything. I won the job because I asked first. If you snooze you lose. First I tested all the lights. They all came on straight away. Then I told it:
    Me: ‘Lights working!’
    Then I tested all the taps. They all worked. You didn’t even have to wait donkey hours for the water, it came straight away. I tested the taps in the kitchen, then the bathroom. Then I told it:
    Me: ‘Water working!’
    Then I tested the floor for loose bits or holes. I did it by jumping all over. I jumped on every bit of floor. It took donkey hours. I made it go faster by dancing a little bit. Then I told it:
    Me: ‘Floors good!’
    Then I checked all the roofs for holes where the rain might come in. All I had to do was look at the roofs. It was easy.
    Me: ‘Roofs good!’
    Lydia: ‘Shut up, I’ve got a headache!’
    Then I tested for furniture and other things. I went around looking for things and whenever I found them I just told it:
    Me: ‘Got a sofa!’
    Me: ‘Got a table!’
    Me: ‘Got a bed!’
    Me: ‘Got another bed!’
    Me: ‘Got a fridge!’
    Me: ‘Got a stove!’
    I told everything I found, even if it was only small. I opened all the cupboards and drawers and told what was inside:
    Me: ‘Got knives!’
    Me: ‘Got forks!’
    Me: ‘Got spoons!’
    Lydia: ‘I go sound you! Shut up!’
    Me: ‘Got plates!’
    Me: ‘Got bowls!’
    Me: ‘Got a smasher!’
    Asweh, there were so many new things it even made my eyes go blurry. I never suspected to see so many new things just in one day. I even forgot Papa wasn’t there. I only remembered at night when Mamma was snoring. When Papa’s there he rolls her on her side like a big sausage so she can’t snore anymore (Mamma says she doesn’t snore but how would she even know, she’s asleep!).
    The carpet in my room wasn’t big enough to reach all the floor. You can still see some wood underneath. I lifted up the carpet to look for money. Somebody wrote a greeting on the floor:

Fuck you

    I don’t think the greeting was for me. Nobody even knew I was coming.

    I don’t know what the money’s for. It isn’t for rent because Mamma got our flat from Ideal Lettings. I don’t know what Julius does except he drove us to our new flat and he’s in love with Auntie Sonia. He’s always slapping her behind. She just lets him do it even when she nearly fell through the door. Grown-ups are stupid like that. They even like it when it hurts.
    Auntie Sonia: ‘See you, kids!’
    Julius: ‘Come on, let’s go!’ (Slap on the behind.)
    Auntie Sonia: ‘Ow!’
    Then Mamma’s face goes all hard and she smashes the tomatoes like she’s trying to kill them. She says I can’t get a ring like the ones Julius has because only bogahs wear them.
    Me: ‘Not just bogahs, the president as well.’
    Mamma: ‘Advise yourself! Only bogahs. Now stop making squeeze-eyes at me.’
    If I had a ring like that everybody would think I’m the ironboy. If they roughed me I’d just blow them with the ring hand. It’s so heavy it would knock them into the middle of next week.
    I woke up when the boy did, flew straight over through the bluster and the branches. We watched the wind do its thing and then later we dreamed together. We dream each inside the other. We pass on our goodwill messages, they send us their requests and we put a word in, for seashells if not for speedboats. We live and breathe within the boundaries of our charges; we reach out for them when the bridge between them and their god is blocked.
    A tree fell down on the green. It must have happened in the night. It was proper rainy and windy last night, I watched it all with my pigeon. He flew away when I went to open the window but I knew it was him.
    Me: ‘See you later, pigeon! Don’t be a stranger!’
    The tree just blew over. It fell on top of somebody’s house. It didn’t go through, it just landed on the roof. You could see the roots and everything. I climbed up about halfway to the top. It’s easier when the