Free Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman

one who has to ease myself on a cloud all the time.’
    Me: ‘No I don’t.’
    I don’t have to do it all the time. I only wanted to see what God felt like.
    The number one best trainers are Nike Air Max. Everybody agrees. They’re the most bo-styles of all.
    Adidas is number two. Or if you like Chelsea it can be number one because Adidas makes the Chelsea kit.
    Reebok’s number three and Puma’s four. Puma makes the Ghana kit. Nobody believes me but they do. K-Swiss is also bo-styles. K-Swiss could even be number one if more people knew about them.
    My trainers are called Sports. They’re white all over. I got them from Noddy’s shop in the market. They’re very fast. Everybody calls them pants but they’re just vexed because they go faster than them.
    Connor Green always blames his trainers when he spoons the ball. It’s never his fault, it’s always his trainers.
    Everybody: ‘Spoon!’
    Connor Green: ‘I can’t help it, man! It’s my trainers! They’re not meant for football, they’re only for running! At least they’re not trampy like Harri’s Sports!’
    Me: ‘Shut up, at least I can run faster than a snail!’
    In football nobody used to pass to me. I thought it meant they hated me. Then I found out it’s because I used the wrong command. Instead of saying pass to me you have to say man on. Apart from that the rules are the same as where I used to live. Vilis still doesn’t pass to me but I don’t care. Where he comes from (Latvia) they burn black people into tar and make roads out of them. Everybody agrees. I don’t even want the ball from him, he can keep it. I still close my eyes when I go to head the ball. I can’t help it. I always think it will hurt.
    Vilis: ‘You’re so gay!’
    Me: ‘Gowayou, Potato House!’ (Because he lives in a house made from potatoes.)

    In Maths a wasp came to visit me. He was hanging out on my desk for donkey hours. I was sitting next to Poppy. Poppy was nearly crying. She kept thinking the wasp would sting her.
    Poppy: ‘One stung me when I was a baby. Now I’m allergic.’
    Me: ‘Don’t worry, he’s only visiting. I won’t let him sting you.’
    I tried to make Poppy feel better but it wouldn’t work. She wanted me to smash the wasp but I just made him go on my exercise book, then I let him out the window. Dean opened the window and I let the wasp fly out. Everybody clapped. Poppy was very relieved, you could tell. I stopped her being scared.
    Poppy: ‘Thanks Harri.’
    Me: ‘That’s OK. Piece of cake!’ (That’s what you say when something was easy.)
    I’ve only loved one girl before. It was where I used to live. Her name’s Abena, she’s Lydia’s friend. I only loved her for one day. She’s very stupid. She thought if she slept with soap flakes on her face she’d wake up obruni in the morning. She even tried it. She wanted to be white for one day. She thought if she was white she’d get the diamonds like the lady in the American film.
    Abena is in love with diamonds. She’s never even seen one.
    She put the soap flakes all over her face like paint. It didn’t work, she was still black in the morning. It just made her skin go proper peely. We called her Peely Face. She hated it.
    Everybody: ‘Peely Face, Peely Face!’
    She said it was only a joke but really she wanted it to work, you could tell. Abena’s very stupid. I’m glad she didn’t come with us. Her eyes are too small and she screams if you throw cocoa pods at her like they’re bombs or something. In the end it just got too vexing so I stopped loving her.
    You can use the Computer Club computers for homework or email or the internet. You can’t use them for chat room anymore because everybody kept asking each other what colour pant they were wearing. Now chat room’s blocked. You can still do instant messages.
    Me: ‘Go on, ask her. Ask her what colour pant she’s wearing.’
    Lydia: ‘Why do you want to know? Do you still love her?’
    Me: ‘How! No way, she’s