Free You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About by Dave Barry

work together:
     
Subject
Predicate
Lester
wondered how come lately whenever he called Francine to find out where she was, she always claimed she was in “yoga class,” even though, number one, she did not own a yoga mat that Lester knew of, number two, he was not aware of any yoga classes in the greater Waco area that met at 2:30 a.m., not to mention which, number three, one time when he called her, a man in the background yelled, “Francine, hang up the damn phone and take off the rest of your clothes,” although Lester was leery of making a fuss about this in light of the recent situation wherein, the morning after he allegedly attended a Monster Truck rally with his brother Wesley, Francine happened to be rooting around under the front seat of his car and found a brassiere that was not remotely her size.
     
    When writing sentences, you should always follow this basic format, which has been the “backbone” of English grammar dating back to the ancient Greeks.
    The Kinds of Sentences
     
    There are four kinds of sentences:
 
Declarative:
Call me Ishmael.
     
Interrogative:
Call me, Ishmael?
     
Imperative:
Call me Ishmael or I will punch your face in.
     
Text:
ish
r u awake?
(
Picture of private parts.
)
     
    Common Sentence Mistakes to Avoid “Run-on” Sentences
     
    These are sentences that keep on going past the point where you should have ended them:
    I don’t think you look fat in those pants any more than usual.
    Upon graduating from college with honors I was hired as a sales associate by a major brokerage firm and quickly rose to the position of district manager before a time-traveling flamingo ordered me to kill my supervisor.
    Sentence Fragments
     
    Sentence fragments occur when you leave out an important grammatical element that is necessary to fully understand the sentence:
     
Wrong
Right
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not kill unless thou hast an expensive legal defense team.
We show your flight departing on time.
We show your flight departing on time, but we are lying.
I’m afraid the biopsy shows you have cancer.
I’m afraid the biopsy shows you have cancer. Ha-ha, April fool! You should see the look on your face! But seriously, all kidding aside, it turns out you have leprosy.
     
    Answers to Common Grammatical Questions
     
Q. What is the difference between “your” and “you’re”?
     
A. Many people are confused by this because the two words are so much alike, and these people have the intelligence of corn meal. Grammatically, the difference is that “your” is used in expressions of remunerative culpability:
As the bridegroom your responsible irregardless of whomever physically shot them urinals.
     
Whereas “you’re” is used in connubial imprecations:
You cheating bastard, I hope Jasmine cuts you’re pecker off.
     
Q. When do I use “infer” and when do I use “imply”?
     
A. These two words are often used interchangeably, but, in fact, they have entirely different meanings, as we see in these examples:
Duane inferred that Clark was packing Nutella in his Speedo.
     
Duane implied that Clark was packing Nutella in his Speedo.
     
Q. What is the correct use of “decimated”?
     
A. It is correctly used in arthropodic phrases, such as:
Tina was totally decimated when she sobered up and realized there was nine legs on her forehead spider tattoo.
     
Q. What about “affect” and “effect”?
     
A. You should never use either of these words.
Q. What is the proper use of the expression “moot point”?
     
A. Its proper use is to defeat your opponent in an argument, as follows:
You:
Abraham Lincoln was our first Jewish president.
Your Opponent:
Lincoln wasn’t Jewish.
You:
That’s a moot point.
Your Opponent:
Very well then, I concede.
Q. When should I use “it’s” and when should I use “its”?
     
A. This depends on whether you plan to use an apostrophe somewhere else. Under international grammar rules, there can only be o [can totne apostrophe per