Free Loving Him Without Losing You by Beverly Engel Page A

modeled this behavior or you may have had a neglectful or absent father. You may have a history of child abuse or neglect or come from a home where women were not respected or were abused.
    Finally, slightly less than one-fourth of women fall into the extreme cat- egory. If you’re one of these women, you did not have an adequate bonding experience with either parent, or your one significant connection was very unhealthy—either too smothering or too rejecting. You probably suffered from severe forms of deprivation, neglect, and abuse in childhood.
    Unlike the average woman who may become emotionally involved too quickly or who may become too emotionally invested in a relationship that isn’t mutual, if you’re this type of Disappearing Woman, you tend to lose yourself whenever you are in any kind of relationship. While this happens most intensely and obviously when you are involved romantically with some- one, it actually occurs whenever you are involved in any kind of close rela- tionship, including with family members and friends. You begin to lose touch with how you feel, what you believe in, and what you like and dislike, and you tend to either take on the beliefs and preferences of those you are close to or become confused or disoriented when someone disagrees with your beliefs or has different preferences. In other words, your sense of self tends to be more amorphous than the average person’s.
    If you are at this end of the continuum, you tend to completely turn over your life to the men you are involved with. You put up with mistreatment, infi- delity, or even abuse, and you tend to neglect your children to be with a man. Often accused of being a chameleon or of being “spineless,” you are the woman most likely to pack up and go off with a new lover, leaving everything behind; convert to the religion of your partner; or drop your friends if your
    partner doesn’t approve of them.
    Some women at this end of the continuum have been known to abandon their children, become estranged from their parents, or turn a blind eye to criminal behavior once they become caught up in another person’s life. They tend to be desperate for attention and recognition from everyone—women as well as men—and are sometimes bisexual.
    If you’re at this end of the continuum, you may have decided to avoid inti- mate relationships with men altogether for fear of the tremendous chaos, confusion, and despair you experience each time you have a relationship, or you may go from relationship to relationship, desperately seeking the type of acceptance and love you fantasize about, continually being disappointed, constantly feeling abandoned.

    Eleven of the forty-seven women I interviewed were at this end of the continuum.

    Why the Continuum Is Important
    Determining where you fit on the continuum is important for several reasons. First, it will help you have realistic expectations of yourself, as opposed to expecting yourself to be someone you can’t be at present. Those of you who fall into the extreme category, for example, need to understand you are oper- ating under an emotional handicap and need to go slowly. You should give yourself a tremendous amount of credit for even the smallest change.
    Second, it will help you to know where you should focus your energies in order to make the kind of changes you desire. While this entire book will help you no matter where you are on the continuum, certain sections will help more than others, depending on where you fall.
    Those women who suffer from a milder version of the problem brought on by the normal socialization process may find that this book is all you need to turn yourself around. Discovering the fact that you are not alone and the reasons for your behavior will help rid you of the shame you have carried about your tendency to lose yourself in relationships. And by applying the strategies outlined in part II, you will likely gain the confidence, skills, and determination needed