Free Loving Him Without Losing You by Beverly Engel

strongly—sexually and emotionally—that I vacate my own body and soul. It’s a weird, almost supernatural experience. When I was young I used to think that’s what love was about but now I realize that most people don’t experience it like I do. I know it’s not healthy. There have been times when I’ve felt like I was losing my mind. And when the relationship is over I’m in so much pain I feel like I’m going to die.
    M ELINDA , AGE T HIRTY - NINE

    In this chapter I will describe the Disappearing Woman continuum, the spec- trum of behaviors that make up the definition of “Disappearing Woman,” as well as explain the likely cause for each position on the continuum. This con- tinuum refl my years of working as a psychotherapist, feedback from other colleagues, the results of the interviews I conducted for this book, and my extensive study.
    Nearly all women suffer from some version of the Disappearing Woman syndrome. Those rare exceptions—women who have resisted their cultural conditioning and overcome their biological hardwiring and the effects of their childhood—make up only a small fraction of the total population.

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    If the only influences you experienced were cultural, biological, and those that are psychologically innate, you will likely suffer from only a mild version of this syndrome. This version is characterized by a tendency to seek male attention and male approval, including focusing too much time and attention on your physical appearance (especially your weight); a tendency to drop friends and social activities to be with your new lover; an inability to maintain a separate life from that of your lover; and a tendency to placate and to seek consensus to the point that you sometimes go along with things that are against your best interests. In addition, some women on this end of the continuum have difficulty bonding with female friends and see other women primarily as competition. Based on my clinical experience, I estimate that a little more than one-fourth of all women fall on this end of the continuum. This estimation was confirmed by my own informal survey. Of the forty-seven women I interviewed for this book, thirteen fit into this category.
    Most of us don’t get through childhood, however, without poor parental modeling, neglect, abuse, or the loss of a parent to divorce or death. These experiences, coupled with the cultural, biological, and psychological factors discussed earlier, push most women into the moderate category and to the middle of the continuum. By my estimation this comprises nearly half of all women. This estimate is based in part on the following criteria:
Current estimates reveal that one in four women was sexually abused as a child.
Fifty percent of American marriages end in divorce.
Twenty-three of the forty-seven women I interviewed fit into this cat- egory.
    As we move to the middle of the continuum we find women who have a tendency to become involved with men too quickly and too intensely. If you’re one of these women, you may have other interests, but you may not be able to carry on a conversation for any length of time without focusing on the current man in your life, the man who just left you, or the man you wish you had. You may have a tendency to become obsessed with a particular man, even when he shows little or no interest, and you probably have a difficult time end- ing a relationship, even when you are being ignored or treated badly. You may be unable to fully bond with female friends, and if you do, you become dependent on them for advice.
    You have consistently placed the needs and desires of the men in your life ahead of your own, to the point where you have forgotten what your needs and desires are. You don’t speak up for yourself and don’t take care of yourself in your relationships with men. Often, everything else is secondary to your

    relationship—your job, your social life, even your friends and family.
    You may have had a mother who