Free Almost Interesting by David Spade Page B

nickel-and-dimed so much by friends/acquaintances that sometimes it’s worth the eight hundred bucks just to never talk to them again. Because if they aren’t close friends and you know for sure they are not paying you back, they avoid you forever once you give them the cash. Sounds harsh but for some shady people, that’s a good idea. Chris Rock also told me when I started to get money, to be careful because most people highball you. He always gives half of the amount they ask for because he knows they pad it with extra shit like a new surfboard and maybe some drug money. So they ask for ten grand, he gives them five. Not a bad system. But I usually give full freight because I feel too condescending asking what they “really” need. It’s not my business. Chris also says, “You ever lend people money and they have the balls to buy shit in front of you? Dude, don’t you owe me eight hundred bucks? And you’re buying a coat?” Chris is funny and I like him better now that I can use his jokes in my book and the laugh sort of counts on my stats. Sweet.
    Anyway, now I was back to square one. But I had a movie under my belt, which was great. It gave me some “heat,” as they say in the biz. Which is what you need to jump-start things. So right before I left I signed with a respected agent. I had gotten a manager, Marc Gurvitz, right before the movie, too. He had seen me at the Improv. So they made my Police Academy deal and now aside from my screwup with the stolen car I was back on track. I wound up borrowing another six grand from Bobcat. That was very tough to ask for but he said he wasn’t worried because I would work a lot. Very nice guy and very cool of him. I signed a note saying I’d give it back in a year. Seemed feasible. So now I went to buy another car so I can hit the audition world. What do I get? Dark gray ’83 Honda Accord. Exact same car. But this time a four-door, which I liked better. Weird I found almost the same car but this time I insured it first. By the way, I told the police the woman who sold me the original one probably had someone follow me with a duplicate key and just steal it back. He agreed, and then proceeded not to give a shit and do nothing about it.
    Now I had a car and I was staying at that studio apartment and ready to party. My manager then informed me my agent had left the big agency (no names: lawsuit alert) and gone off on her own. I’m like, What the fuck? I liked her, what do I do? He said the big agency still wanted me and we should stay there. So they assigned me another agent. Now this was odd, because it wasn’t somebody who had gone out and fought to get me. It was a person saying, “Sure, I’ll look after them in case they hit it big.” But the agent had no real stake in my career. And they might have even thought that I sucked. But I still thought I was in great hands.
    Our first call was to Steve Holland, a director Bob introduced me to up in Toronto and who had me read parts of his script to him as sort of an impromptu audition up there. He said he was still interested in me for the lead in a new Fox pilot called Beans Baxter. I guess that’s what I read scenes from. Fox was still sort of a newer network then and without tons of respect. But we all know that it turned out to be a monster. So because I have good agency and manager and a little “heat” they somehow got this guy to offer me the part without my ever going back in. This was a miracle. I’d never really acted, still never taken classes; I just got lucky. Because I got a good response in my month or two at the Improv and a movie. People thought I was about to blow up and they needed to jump on it. So guess what?
    We turned down the part.
    This was crazy to me. I hadn’t gone on one audition and they want to turn down a straight-up offer? I always wanted to be on a half-hour comedy and this seemed like a perfect fit. It was about an FBI agent who’s undercover as a high school kid or something.