Free Almost Interesting by David Spade

perform. This was the best thing about the Improv. There was always someone in the crowd who could help you—a director, a casting director, an actor, a famous comedian, a studio executive, or just a friend of any of those people who tells them about you. So I went in for the “audition,” and the casting director told me there was no script. Those of you who have seen this movie can surely believe this to be true. My character was a new addition, and they were actually waiting for a new draft of the script. THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T HAVE A SCRIPT, because I haven’t mentioned this yet but I had no idea HOW TO FUCKING ACT! I’d never had a class, I’d never read a book about it, and I thought it was overrated. I sort of figured myself to be some kind of “natural” like Eddie Murphy. They put me in front of a camera and they told me to say some things a skateboarder might say to cops, and use some skateboarding terms. This was music to my ears. I’m pretty good on my feet for improvising and I had been skateboarding for ten years. So I talked about how I hurt myself during an aerial axle stall and fell from the coping to the drain and broke my wrist. I threw in some jokes. They asked a lot of questions, but thank God none of the questions were “Do you know how to act?” since I can promise you I never would have gotten that part.
    Reading in an audition off a script, I found out later, was unbelievably hard. So I ship off to Toronto in shock that I have a role in a movie series I’ve actually heard of, starring the Goot! (Steve Guttenberg). I get to my hotel and only two of us from the cast are in this particular establishment—me and none other than Sharon Stone. Sharon was drop-dead gorgeous (of course) and a total sweetheart to me. She wasn’t a huge star yet (obv) or she would not have been anywhere near this movie. I quietly stared at her night and day throughout shooting, which was one very nice perk of working on a movie. Money was also a nice perk. I made $2,500 a week for ten weeks. “Run of the picture,” they call it. I was flying high.
    I got to do my own skateboarding and show off for all the ladies on set, which was a blast. I had to have a stunt double for the hard skateboarding stuff so they brought in pro boarders from the “Bones Brigade,” Chris Miller and Tony Hawk. Chris was closer to my size and look but rode regular foot. Tony was two feet taller than me but rode goofy foot and I rode goofy foot too so he made more sense. ( Goofy foot is a term they use to describe which way your feet go on your skateboard. When facing forward on a board my toes point to the left; when your toes are to the right that’s regular foot. A fun fact you’ll never need again in your life.)
    Back to the cash. I had never made this much money before, so I actually felt “rich.” I remember walking down Toronto’s main street with $300 on me and looking into a window. Inside I saw pants that were $60 and I thought, I could just go in there and buy those. They would never think I had this much money. It was like Pretty Woman except they would probably have treated me like less of a whore.
    The movies ended and I flew back to Los Angeles with $10,000 cash on me, like a regular old Floyd Mayweather. I considered stopping at a strip club and making it rain/downpour. I could have pulled a Lil Wayne and really had a fun hour and a half. But no, I decided I was going to be smart about this. I gave my mom $3,000. God knows I owed her that and more. I paid about $1,000 of my own bills, and then I had $6,000 left over to buy a car.
    Now, buying a car is fun. I had never had anywhere near six grand to plunk down on wheels. This much money was enough to get me a better car than my last two cars put together, which had cost me $300 and $1,000 respectively. So I pored through Auto Trader (like Joe Dirt looking for a Hemi) and started to get weak hanging on the Camaro page for too long. I was dog-earing cars that I