Free Underneath It All by Erica Mena Page A

young girl played M.A.S.H. Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. You picked your favorite number, named three girls and three boys (I think it was three) then you named your favorite cars, favorite places and then went around the paper counting and matching things up with the corresponding numbers. At the end of the game you knew where you were going to live, what you were going to live in, what you were going to drive and whom you were going to marry. You also knew how many children you were going to have and what their names would be. Of course all of this was hypothetical but I had grown up with this the name of my child and I wanted it to be Javien.
                  The next day we went to the clinic and I was expecting us to walk in together but he sent me all the way left by deciding to sit in the car and telling me to go in alone. He gave me the excuse that he didn’t want people to look at him funny since I was as young as I was and he was much older. I didn’t know how to check him on his bullshit at that moment but it was funny to me that now all of a sudden our age difference was a problem and he was now paying attention to what people thought.
                  He reclined the seat and as much as I wanted to slap the shit out of him I got out the car and walked into the clinic alone. The lobby was really packed and as I looked around I took in all the women who had already had kids or were getting ready to have a kid and it hit me that I was going to be one of them. There were other women there with their man and whether they were together or not they were still there supporting them. I pictured Raul, our child and myself and I hoped that this baby would bring us together as a family.
                  When my name was finally called and I went into see the doctor she confirmed that not only was I pregnant, but I was actually four months along. This baby had been inside me this whole time and I didn’t know it. Not only that but he had been in there all the times that Raul had beat my ass. I called my mom and told her and Linda that I was pregnant and the disdain in my mother’s voice was obvious. She hated Raul and the way that I had changed since I had been with him. She saw how he talked to me and I’m sure she had a feeling that he was abusive.
                  There are always things that you think you’re good at covering up but in reality you’re not hiding anything. My mother knew what was going on and instead of allowing her to be there for me I pushed her away. I knew my mother would be there for me regardless but at the same time I feel like I had disappointed her by getting pregnant.
     
                  Raul had to go on this random trip to Russia, which left me alone and pregnant. We had gotten into an argument right before he was leaving and he had grabbed me and I reacted by trying to push him off of me. We pushed and pulled at each other until he shoved me and I fell down the stairs. I started bleeding instantly and I thought I had cut myself from the fall. I didn’t think that it was something that had to do with the baby. I had never been pregnant before so I didn’t know what things I should be concerned about or incidents that might occur that should cause alarm.
                  After I fell he left. He walked right out the door without checking to see if I was okay. He didn’t even look back. I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but you have to understand that not only was I in shock from the fall but I was afraid of what might happen to me if I did call the cops or anybody for that matter.
                  I never told anyone. I had been groomed to just deal with it. I went to the bathroom to try to wipe it away and at this point my belly was too big so I couldn’t see down there so I thought everything was okay. I got in the bed and tried to