Free Father's Keeper by Parker Ford

and angry. “Gil!”
    “Leave Jen. Or don’t leave, actually.
This is your house now and I’m leaving it.”
    “No,” I said and rushed at him.
    He caught me up in his hands, keeping
me at arms length no matter how much I struggled. “I came to say I was sorry.
And there you were. With that person. You’re still punishing yourself, aren’t
you?”
    “What?” I was so confused and I shook
my head like I was on trial and denying every accusation.
    “Your mother spent her life punishing
everyone else for your father leaving and you run around punishing yourself.
Over and over and over again. Aren’t you tired of it?”
    “You have no idea,” I said and dropped
my arms. Now that he’d said it, I felt he weight of it on me, hanging on me.
Crushing me. I dropped to the bed, the tears coming hot and fast. “Oh my god,”
I said, the truth so dark and cloying I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And I
couldn’t--the air whistled in and out of me, teasing me but giving me no real
relief. I was starving for air--thirsty, hungry, needy of it.
    “Christ,” I heard him say and he
drooped to his knees in front of me, pushing my head down, rummaging and
finally finding a paper bag from a pharmacy prescription. “Breathe, honey.
Breathe,” he said.
    I tried. My vision going gray and then
sparkling white. Terror flooded my limbs and I felt paralyzed, literally. Tears
leaked in a steady stream from my eyes and Gil kept his gaze pinned to mine. He
stroked my bangs out of my face and talked a soft steady river of words at me.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re hyperventilating and it sucks ass but you’ll
be fine. You are not going to suffocate or die or any of it. You are fine, you
hear me?”
    I nodded, still struggling for air,
trying so hard to believe Gil because I knew he’d never lie to me. My fingers
pawed relentlessly at the leg of his jeans, tugging in a restless, desperate
way as the air tried to tear in and out of my lungs. My chest burned and my
face was numb with fear.
    “I will always protect you, Jennifer.”
He clenched his jaw then and I could tell he was damn near grinding his teeth
with anger. “Even from myself.”
    I shook my head no, pulled at his
shirt, buried my face to his neck and tried to breathe. Gil smoothed circles
over my back in a circular motion and my body warmed with his touch. He kissed
my hair, my brow and said, “Focus on just letting all that fear go. Push the tension
away. Take a breath and hold it. Count to four, let your body reboot.”
    He tucked my hair behind my ears and
kissed my nose. “Ready? Let’s do it together.”
    I nodded, relishing that kiss. Feeling
his warm lips on my face. Gil sucked in a breath and so did I. It felt shallow
and useless. Like I needed air down to my toes and could only get it to my
hips. I wanted to panic but didn’t. I focused on Gil. He flashed his fingers at
me as we held our breath. One, two, three, four and then we exhaled, long deep,
exaggerated exhales that blew all the stale air from our bodies. I wanted to
say no, not to protect me from him but he shook his head no when I opened my
mouth and he said, “Again.”
    So we did it again, until my heart
slowed its race and my body stopped tingling and my lips no longer felt numb.
“Don’t protect me from you,” I said with a weak small voice. “I can’t breathe
without you,” I said and my body ached with my own honesty. It scared me
telling that kind of truth.
    “Fuck,” he said. And the fear was
back. But when he said it he was studying me. Watching me like I would bloom
before his eyes.
    I touched his belt buckle, ran my
finger over the warm flat of his belly and he grabbed my face in his big hands
and pulled me in, kissing me. His tongue hot and eager, his fingers in my hair,
his cock hard under my fingers. “I’m going to hell,” he said.
    “If you are then I’ll be with you,” I
said, tugging at his buckle.
    He barked out a laugh and stilled my
hand. Still looking