Free Giving It Up by Amber Lin

work through it. I know we can.”
    “I don’t want to, don’t you get that? If you cared, you wouldn’t even ask me.”
    “You’re wrong, Allie. It’s because I care about you that I’m here. I made a mistake when I left before. I should have stayed and fought for you, but I’ve always cared about you. You have to know that.”
    “It’s not going to happen between us, not ever.”
    “You can’t just throw this away. You can’t just ignore me because you’re angry.” His voice was rising now. I hoped Shelly would know to stay inside, to keep her and Bailey out of sight rather than check on me if she heard him. In this neighborhood, staying inside was the default thing to do.
    I kept thinking that if I just told him no, in clear terms, that maybe he would walk away. But that was stupid. It hadn’t worked before. I tried a new tactic. “She’s not your kid. You’re right. I got knocked up by some guy I met at the bakery. So don’t worry.”
    “I don’t believe you. I told you, you never lied good. She is my kid. I want to see her.”
    “Just stop.” My voice came out so shrill that it shocked me into silence. I took a deep breath. “I swear to God, Jacob, you will not get to see her. I am her mother, and you are not her father. You did not make that baby in any way that counts, and I am not going to let you in our lives. Do you hear me?”
    “Yeah,” he said. “I hear you.”
    His words barely registered as I went on. “You will not touch her. You will not touch me, not ever again. Do you understand that? Are you hearing me? Are you listening to me tell you no, because goddammit, Jacob, I said it before and you didn’t listen. I need you to hear me now.”
    He grabbed my wrist and twisted. My whole body followed. The wall stopped me, but I wished it hadn’t. I wanted to melt into it, to just fade away. All my hard-fought words of power, obliterated with the grip of his fist.
    Where was the boy who’d chased me on the pier or filched my books, only to return them just as stealthily? I wanted to ask him that and so much more, but the cold brick muzzled me. “I do hear you,” he said behind my ear. “And I…I want to listen to you.”
    “But you won’t.” My shoulders slumped against the wall like a cold embrace.
    “It was a mistake to walk away before,” he said. “And it was a mistake…what happened. I want to make it right with you. And now, with her. It’s a lot to take in, but I feel like I owe her something. And I already know I owe you.”
    “Why don’t you start by letting me go?”
    He released me. I rolled against the wall to face him but still leaned against it. It was so blessedly vertical.
    “I don’t think I can walk away this time,” he said.
    I was too tired to fight, and I already knew I’d lose. He’d proven that handily. “You wanted to leave, so you left. You want to stay, so you will.” You wanted to fuck me, so you did, but I didn’t say that. “What about what I want?”
    “Tell me what you want. Tell me how I can help you.”
    He didn’t get it. He could help me by leaving. But he wouldn’t go.
    I shook my head. “Go away, Jacob. Go away, or I’ll call the cops and they’ll make you.” It was risky, to bring up the cops. Jacob wouldn’t want them involved, would think he might get in trouble if they were called. He didn’t know the cops didn’t care, but he didn’t call my bluff.
    “I’ll go,” he said. “But I’m staying in town. I’m going to give you some time to cool down, think things through. Then we’ll talk again. We’re going to work this out, whether you believe that right now or not.”
    Once his car was out of sight, I ran up the steps. Shelly took one look at my face, said, “Shit,” and pulled me inside. “What happened?”
    I walked past her to Bailey, who saw me and held out her arms for me to pick her up. Squeezing her close to me, I buried my face in her downy hair. She gurgled a protest and squirmed.
    “You’re