Free Sacre Bleu by Christopher Moore

the heat he felt light-headed and leaned on his walking stick to steady himself.
    Renoir was the first to recover the power of speech. “I think her look is enigmatic. Like the Mona Lisa’s.”
    “And what do you think the Mona Lisa was saying?” said the woman. She elbowed Monet in the ribs to punctuate her question, then leaned into him. “Hmmm? Mon petit ours?”
    “I—uh—” He had never been called a “little bear” before and he wasn’t sure how to take it. He looked at Manet, hoping the older painter might rescue him.
    “Perhaps I’ll call it Luncheon on the Grass, then,” said Manet. “Since I’ve clearly forgotten to paint the model wet enough.” He bounced his walking stick off its tip and snatched it out of the air like a magician signaling that the show should begin. “Madame, if you will pardon me, I must be off. Gentlemen, it was a pleasure. If you are free this evening, perhaps you can join me for a drink at Café de Bade on boulevard des Italiens at eight.” He shook each of their hands, bowed to the woman, then turned on his heel and strode out of the gallery, feeling as if he’d just escaped an assassination attempt.
    “M ONSIEUR M ANET WAS THE ONE ON TOP OF HER IN THE WEEDS,” SAID THE woman in lace, looking over Monet’s shoulder at the painting. “Don’t you think?”
    “It is not for me to say,” said Monet. “An artist and his model—”
    “You’re a painter, aren’t you? You’re all painters, aren’t you?”
    “We are, mademoiselle,” said Bazille. “But we prefer to paint en plein air.”
    “Outside? In the daylight? Oh, how lovely,” she said. “Just so you know, when you take your model into the weeds, put a blanket down. It’s just good manners.”
    The bark of an angry man’s voice echoed across the gallery. The woman looked up, startled.
    Renoir spotted a little man in a brown suit and bowler hat pushing his way through the crowd, shouting in a language he didn’t recognize.
    “I think that fellow is waving to you,” said Renoir.
    “Oh my, it’s my uncle. Such a bore. I must be going.” She lifted her skirts and made a quick turn. “I’ll be seeing you, gentlemen.”
    “But how will we know you?” asked Monet. “We don’t even know your name.”
    “You’ll know me.” And with that, she hurried off, moving through the crowd like a black cloud, the little man limping after her, straining to see her around the skirts, coattails, and parasols that blocked his way.
    Monet said, “Did you see her face?”
    “No,” said Renoir. “Just that black lace, like she’s in mourning.”
    “Perhaps she has scars,” said Bazille.
    “She was wearing blue lip rouge,” said Monet. “I caught a glimpse of it through the lace. I’ve never seen such a thing.”
    “Do you think she’s a prostitute?” asked Renoir.
    “Could be,” said Bazille. “No proper lady would talk that way.”
    “No, I mean Manet’s model.” Renoir was looking at the painting again. “She’s so skinny she probably has to model to supplement her whoring income.”
    “Could be,” said Monet, now turning his full attention to the painting. “Can you imagine painting something like that in the open air? Actually capturing the moment on a huge canvas, the people life-size?”
    “Well you’re going to have to get a prostitute to model if you want her to sit nude on the riverbank like that,” said Renoir.
    “And have money to pay her,” said Bazille.
    “Well that’s out of the question,” said Renoir. “I suppose you could get a girl to fall in love with you and she would sit on the grass for free, but unless she’s a proper whore I don’t think she’ll do the naked part.”
    “You’re right, Renoir,” said Monet, keeping his gaze on the painting. “We have to go.”
    “We do?” said Renoir. “We haven’t even looked at your painting.”
    “No, we have to find that woman in the Spanish lace. She’ll do it. I mean, she seemed open to the idea.” A