Free Blue Sky Days by Marie Landry Page B

want it to seem like he was pressuring me, but I knew it was on both our minds. It was the only thing we didn’t talk about, but the more time we spent together, the more I thought about it and what it would be like.
    There were moments when I got lost in fantasies, imagining what it would feel like to have Nicholas’s strong, slightly calloused hands moving skillfully over my body while he kissed my neck and shoulders and breasts. I wondered what it would be like to have the weight of his body on mine as we made love for the first time.
    As much as those thoughts took my breath away, I was scared, too—petrified, really. I was completely inexperienced and afraid I would do things wrong, or that it would be awkward because I had no idea what to do. The reasonable part of me knew those things wouldn’t matter with Nicholas, and that he would be understanding and patient, because that’s just who he was.
    I wasn’t naive enough to believe the reason Nicholas hadn’t raised the subject of sex was because the thought hadn’t occurred to him—he was a twenty-two-year-old male, after all. And sometimes when we were alone, sitting quietly, he would look at me with an unspoken longing that had my heart tripping in my chest.
    After a certain point, even though the words were never said, it felt like we had an agreement that we didn’t want to rush the physical part of our relationship. Everything was already happening so fast; I knew I was already falling in love with Nicholas, which scared me since we had only known each other a few weeks. I tried to rationalize that a month wasn’t a long time to know someone, but when you’re nineteen, a month can seem like a lifetime, and it felt like I had known Nicholas forever.
    I knew in my heart that after saving myself for someone special, lovemaking would be more meaningful; it would cement a bond and express the love we had for one another. Even though I was sure of my own growing feelings, and I was certain that Nicholas felt the same way, we had never shared those feelings out loud. And because relationships and love were still so new to me, I didn’t want to assume that Nicholas was falling in love with me.
    But sometimes you just know, and I was becoming more and more certain that my ‘someone special’ was Nicholas.
     
    *****
     
    One afternoon, once the rain had finally stopped and the weather had returned to perfect summer sunshine, Daisy went to a modern art exhibit with a friend, and Nicholas and I stayed home. We decided to cook dinner and surprise Daisy when she returned that evening.
    At first, we were very serious about it: we found a recipe that sounded delicious, went grocery shopping for ingredients, then came back and set up the kitchen. But when Nicholas turned on the radio, all semblance of seriousness was lost.
    We loved to dance. I had never danced a day in my life before I met Nicholas. When I told him so shortly after we started spending time together, he said in that way of his that made everything seem so easy, “I’ll teach you.” So we danced.
    I felt awkward at first, all stiff-legged and self-conscious, but Nicholas’s enthusiasm, as always, was infectious. “You’re doing great!” he said as he guided me in a simple box step, one hand gripping mine, the other holding my waist. “People think the box step is a no-brainer, but when they actually try it, it’s suddenly hard to remember right from left, especially if you’re concentrating on what your partner’s doing.”
    I knew he was just being nice, especially after the second time I went right when I should have gone left, resulting in me stepping on his toes, but it was nearly impossible to be anything but confident around Nicholas. I knew that as weird as I felt, and as foreign as it was for me to just let go, he would never judge me. I followed his lead—encouraged by his smiles and kisses and laughter—and from then on, we found any excuse to dance.
    Now, we twirled around the