Free Infernal Affairs by Jes Battis Page B

layer of me, and everything’s just a bit more intense—light, sound, smells, everything. It’s overwhelming.”
    “Do you want more Demerol?”
    “No. I don’t want to be high. I just want to feel better.”
    “That’s going to take time.”
    He sighed. “Yeah.”
    “Hey.” I squeezed his hand. “You tangled with a pureblood and survived. It could have been a lot worse. And things are already starting to look up. We rescued one demon, captured another, and nobody died. So buck up.”
    “Really? ‘Buck up’?”
    “Stiff upper lip?”
    He shook his head. “Sorry. Not doing it for me.”
    “What would you like to hear?”
    “I’m not sure. Ask me again once they do the brain scan.”
    I rubbed my thumb across his knuckles. “You’re really worried about this, aren’t you? Is it something that you saw in the demon’s head?”
    “No. That was barely comprehensible. I don’t even know how I’m going to fill out the report about it. Blood and ashes and a pile of bones. ”
    “That’s what you saw?”
    “More or less.”
    “Well, nobody expects you to publish a paper on the imagery. Just tell Selena everything you can remember.”
    “Yeah. I know.”
    “So what is it that’s actually freaking you out?”
    “You mean besides the fact I’m wearing a dress that buttons up in the back? Because that’s already stirring up all sorts of drag memories.”
    I smiled. “Yes. Fashion crimes aside, what is it?”
    “Miles.”
    “Don’t worry. The nurses checked him out, and he’s fine. Just a couple of scratches and a bruised neck. He’ll be back later today.”
    “It’s not his health I’m worried about. It’s us.”
    I blinked. “Call me crazy, but I’d think that surviving a demon attack would actually strengthen your relationship. I can’t see that you have anything to worry about. He didn’t leave your side all night.”
    “I know that he loves me. He’s not the problem. I am.”
    “You cheated on him. God, where did you find the time?”
    “No.” He rolled his eyes. “And thanks so much for leaping to that conclusion first. It makes me feel like a real saint.”
    “Sorry. It’s all I could think of.”
    “There’s been no cheating, at least not to my knowledge. And I don’t plan on changing that. I’m just worried about . . .” He sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure I can explain it. But I’m scared. Every day, whether I wake up in bed next to him, or I know I’m going to see him at work, or he sends me a sweet text—all I can feel is this unholy terror. Like it’s all going to dissolve at any moment.”
    “Fear of the fuckup.”
    “Excuse me?”
    “You’ve got fear of the fuckup. You think you’re going to screw everything up, it’ll be totally your fault, and you’ll never forgive yourself.”
    “Well. Yes. Basically.”
    “Don’t worry about it. I feel the same way. Every time Lucian says something nice to me, all I can hear is this voice in the back of my head screaming, You are an asshole; you will totally destroy this .”
    “Really?”
    “Absolutely. Sometimes I get so paranoid about it, I’ll be afraid to say anything. So I’ll just keep nodding like some kind of passive-aggressive bobblehead. Why do you think I agreed to get digital cable? Why do I continue to let him wear cargo shorts? I’m afraid to say no.”
    “But you guys are doing fine. He’s crazy about you.”
    “And I could say the same thing about Miles.”
    He chuckled. “Maybe there really is something wrong with us.”
    “Yeah. It’s called being damaged.”
    “But when did that happen?”
    “If we knew that, things would be a lot simpler. We could fix it, or at least apply a patch. But it’s all just a hazy memory. It’s like someone anesthetized us when we were young, and when we woke up, there was suddenly this neurotic voice in our head. And the voice is a bastard.”
    “It is.” He leaned back against the pillows. “It just feels like he’s too good, you