Free The Story of Me by Lesley Jones

personally, right alongside Travis, my mate who also survived the car accident, I’ve realised that every person does them in a different order or sometimes skips certain aspects all together.”
    I lean my back against the stool and think about what he’s saying.
    “The order should go: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance.” He pauses for a few seconds, as though he’s figuring out how to word whatever insightful advice he’s going to offer up next.
    “Were you ever in denial, George?” I start shaking my head before he even finishes asking. “No, never, how could I be? I was there. I witnessed it all. I was part of it; the accident and the decision to switch off his life support. He died holding onto me and our dead son, our baby boy.” I sob out the last three words as images of Beau flash through my mind. I wipe away my tears and take a deep breath. “I’ve never been in denial over it, but I felt isolated, and I s’pose if you consider wanting to kill yourself being depressed, then I was definitely that. Although, really, it wasn’t even that.”
    “What d’ya mean?” he asks.
    “Well, I had no great desire to kill myself or to be dead. I just didn’t want to live. I mean, if living meant a life with no Sean and no Beau, then I didn’t want it. I didn’t care how it was achieved; I didn’t care if I just died or if they just drugged me to the point where I didn’t exist, because that was fine, too. So, if you consider all those symptoms of depression, then yes, I was depressed.” I’m not sure where any of this is going, but I keep listening.
    “Did you bargain at any time? Did you—”
    I cut him off. “Constantly, all the time. I still do, and I probably always will: me for them or me and Sean for Beau. I know Sean would be pissed off with me for wanting to swap my life for his, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he would do anything to protect our son.”
    Jackson nods as he listens to me. “Well, all of that is to be expected, but I think what’s happened since you’ve been here is that acceptance has crept up on you. Being here, away from anything Sean-related, has made you come to terms with the fact that he’s gone, and in turn, that realisation has made you angry.”
    I swig the last of my beer. “Why are you teaching tourists how to surf? Why don’t you get yourself set up as a proper shrink and open a practice as a head doctor?” My heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I can feel the blood whoosh up to my brain with every beat. It feels like it’s going to burst out of my ears on its way. I turn my head to look at him, and he gives me a gentle smile.
    “Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh and direct. I just want you to understand what’s going on in that beautiful brain of yours.”
    I smile back at him. “How’d you know my brain’s beautiful?”
    His grin widens. “Because you’re related to me and we only do beautiful in this family.” I throw my head back and laugh, but before I get a chance to say any more, there’s a knock on the front door. “Shit, that’s Roman, and I smell like a fry-up. Let him in and keep him company while I have a quick shower, would ya please?”
    “Why the fuck is Roman here?”
    “Jax, fuck off. Don’t go all Bailey, Lennon, Marley on me, just let him in.”
    I run to the bathroom and have possibly the quickest shower of my life, even managing to wash the smell of food out of my hair. I dry it off quickly and tie it up in a messy bun, then throw on some clothes. I’ve been less than twenty minutes, which for me, ain’t bad going.
    As I step out of the bedroom, I hear Jackson talking.
    “She’s done so well since she’s been here. I swear to fuckin’ God, if you set her back in any way, I will kill you, Rome.” I hover in the doorway of my bedroom, unsure of what I want to do. Okay, I’m lying. I’m a woman. I’m nosey. I know what I want to do, and that’s to stand here and