Free Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (Toad Witch Series, Book One) by Christiana Miller Page B

that’s the way you feel,” he shrugged and wrapped the bird more securely in its towel. “Can I have it?”
    “What are you going to do with it?”
    “The list is endless.”
    I shuddered. “I believe you. And considering your plans for my body, I don’t even want to know. You are totally, completely gross.”
    “I’m resourceful. Witch, remember? It’s what we do. Recycle everything. The ultimate in green living.”
    “Fine, take it, whatever. Just get it out of here.” I looked down at the mess on the floor. Broken glass, feathers, blood. The bathroom smelled liked death. “I’ll make you a deal. You clean up the crow mess and take the bird away, and I’ll do your laundry without complaining about it. But I still want my latte.”
    He gave me a thumbs-up and I walked out of bathroom.
     
    Gus had the mess cleaned up in fifteen minutes. As much as he may not like being domestic, he had the cleaning thing down. The bathroom was spotless. But, as we swapped places and I turned on the shower, a creepy suspicion snuck up on me.
    I poked my head out of the bathroom door. “Wait, what are you going to do with it?” I asked, pointing at the crow in his hands.
    Gus looked back at me from the hallway. “I haven’t decided yet.”
    “I mean now.”
    “Right now? Fridge.”
    I could just see the decomposing black body nestled up against the cheese and lunch meat. “Not mine, right?”
    “Where else? I don’t think Mrs. Lasio’s gonna let me use her fridge.” He whistled the theme from Snow White as he continued walking to the kitchen.
    I quickly wrapped a towel around me and ran after him. I grabbed his arm. “Gus. Not a question. Not. Mine. You want it, keep it in your own fridge.”
    “What kind of a witch are you?”
    “One with a high ick factor. I mean it, Gus. I don’t want it in my fridge.”
    “Fine. It won’t go in the fridge. Wuss.”
    I looked at him, suspiciously. That win was almost too easy. But I decided to let it go. Why fight a win, right?
     
    As I stood under the stream of hot water, I could feel the ick and the creepiness of the morning wash down the drain with the soap residue. When I finally came out of the shower, Gus was in the bedroom, poking through my nightstand drawer.
    “That was quick.” I said, drying off.
    “Does this really work?” He held up a vibrator made out of a pink gel-like material and turned it on. The penis squirmed and rotated, slightly bending, so it seemed to be taking a 360-degree bow.
    “Yes it does and turn it off. He’s the only boyfriend I have. I don’t want you wearing him out,” I wrapped a smaller towel around my hair and squeezed out the excess water.
    “You never let me have any fun. Your two-thousand calorie breakfast is on the dining room table.”
    “You got back here awfully fast. Light traffic?” I asked, pulling on a tee-shirt and jeans.
    “The usual,” he shrugged, non-committal.
    A bad feeling started rumbling in my gut. “So… How’s the bird?”
    Silence.
    “You did take him home, right?”
    “Kind of.”
    “Gus? Where’s the bird?”
    “He’s not in the fridge.”
    I stopped, arrested in mid-movement. “Well… That’s good… But… What aren’t you telling me, you lying little bastard?”
    “You cut me to the quick, woman.”
    “Gus?” I gave him a slant-eyed look. “Want something cold to drink?”
    “No, I’m good.”
    I strode over to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I scanned all the shelves as I snagged a bottle of water. “Huh.”
    Gus opened the pastry bag and bit into a pumpkin scone. “I’m hurt at how little you trust me.”
    “Uh-huh.”
    He still looked too innocent.
    I closed the refrigerator door and stood up. The freezer door caught my eye, seeming just a little bit brighter, a little more highlighted than the rest of the refrigerator. “Gus! You didn’t!”
    “You never said…”
    “Freezer? I never said freezer? I assumed it would be obvious.”
    “See? That ass-u-me thing