Free Finding North by Carmen Jenner Page A

buddy.”
    “You have a fuck buddy?” I clench my jaw. I’m starting to see why Bundy has a bad name. Right now, I’d like to find Josh and beat his fucking head in.
    Will laughs. “Look at you getting all jealous.”
    Is he fucking kidding me?
    “How long?” I say through my teeth.
    “How long have I been fucking him? Or how long is his cock? It’s about five for both.”
    “Five what?” I snap. “Days? Weeks?”
    “Months.” He rests his elbow on the bar, dangling his glass from his long fingers. “And inches.”
    “You been fucking this Josh for five months, and you didn’t think to mention it?”
    “I’ve fucked a lot of men in the last twelve years, North. Why would I mention any of them to you?”
    “I kissed you.”
    “Yeah, and I didn’t ask for it,” he says, swirling the liquor in his glass. “How many women have you slept with in the past twelve years?”
    I don’t have an answer for him. I don’t even remember half of their names, only that I was fumbling around in a drunken stupor, trying to grab onto just a little bit of happiness. On the outside I have all my shit together, but inwardly I’m hollow. I’m the worthless piece of shit my father always told me I was, and I’d bury my dick in anyone in an attempt to find something that made me feel even half of what Will had that summer.
    “Let me ask you something. Why are you so fucking pissed right now? You walked out of my life, remember?”
    I rake my hand through my hair. “Yeah, I fucking remember.”
    “Then why are we even having this conversation?”
    “We’re not.” I slide off the stool and head to the bathroom.
    “Last drinks,” Will calls, but when I turn to glare, he’s not looking at me. Instead, he shoves the Bundy bottle and our glasses across the bar and rests his forehead in his hands.
    I push into the bathroom and take a piss, and then I stare down into the sink for a long time. Too fucking long .
    I have no right to tell him who can and can’t be in his bed. I lost that privilege the second I screwed it all up, but Christ, knowing that he’s fucking someone else kills me.
    Why am I such a fucking pussy ?
    I want him. I’ve always wanted him. That’s all that should matter, and yet it’s the last thing that does. I don’t know how to do this. I’m not brave like he is. I can’t shut out what everyone else would say. My father, my workmates, Tam—the whole goddamn town. What would they think? While my happiness isn’t dependent upon any of those people, Will’s safety might be.
    At least it was once.
    This is bullshit. I need to go home. I need to stay the hell away from him. I shove off the sink and walk out into the bar and run smack-bang into Will. He shoves me up against the wall. “You know, you’ve got some nerve getting all twisted up about who I’m fucking.”
    “Bullshit. It should be me, and you know it.”
    “And it would have been once,” Will says. “But you ripped my fucking heart out, and I can’t forgive you—”
    “Then don’t, don’t forgive me, but stop fucking punishing the both of us.” I reach out and grab his neck, pulling him into me. He struggles, jerking out of my grasp.
    “No,” Will seethes. I wet my lips and his gaze follows my tongue. “Goddamn you.” His mouth covers mine with hard, fevered kisses that bruise and soothe all at once. I open to him, allowing him farther access to my mouth. He grinds his hips, and his thick cock brushes against mine beneath our jeans. My hands lift his shirt and yank it up over his head as he backs us toward the hall.
    He misses his footing, or I miss mine—either way, we go down in a heap and land hard on the stairs. “Ah fuck,” Will says, taking the brunt of my weight. I push up on my forearms, but my hips stay where they are, thrust up against his hardness. Will doesn’t seem to mind.
    My hands are greedy, pawing and kneading, toying with his nipple piercings, devouring as much flesh as my calloused fingers can