Free Old Jews Telling Jokes by Sam Hoffman

mother’s not looking to fuck me.”
MAX ROSENTHAL

    From Max’s son Rich: “Whenever my brother and I would ask him what he wanted for his birthday, Hanukkah, anniversary, whatever, every time he would say the same thing. ‘All I want are two nice boys.’
    “That’s Max.”
The First Time
    Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro go to the doctor and, at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs. Shapiro.
    The doctor says to her, “Mrs. Shapiro, you’re fine. You’re husband’s fine. There’s just one problem: Your husband tells me that there’s a little problem with his sex life. Just a little problem there.”
    She says, “So, what’s the problem?”
    “Well, he says, the first time it’s perfectly fine. But the second time, he starts to perspire and sweat and is completely soaked afterward. You understand that?”
    She says, “Yeah. The first time’s in November; the second time’s July.”
MIKE LEIDERMAN

    Mike Leiderman produces events and fund-raisers for a number of nonprofit organizations, including the Chicago Emmy Awards, the Fox Sports Net Awards for the March of Dimes, the NFL Players Association Mackey Award banquet for BBF Family Services in Lawndale (a section of Chicago), and the annual Jewish United Fund telethon.
Breakfast Lovin’
    Abie and Becky are at the doctor’s office. Abie says, “Doc, it’s our sex life. It’s terrible.”
    The doctor says, “Describe your technique.”
    Abie says, “Okay. Well, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday …”
    The doctor says, “Stop right there! That’s the whole point. You can’t plan these things. You must be spontaneous. Whenever the spirit moves you, that’s when you have to act—with passion! Come back and see me in two weeks.”
    Two weeks later, they come back, and the doctor says, “How’d it go?”
    Abie says, “Fan-tastic! You couldn’t believe it! You’re absolutely right! Spontaneity is the key! We were at breakfast. My wife dropped a spoon, bent over to pick it up, and—lo and behold—I got the urge like an animal! Right there on the breakfast table, three times we made love!”
    The doctor says, “That’s terrific. Any problems?”
    Abie says, “Just one. They won’t let us eat at Howard Johnson’s anymore.”
SIDNEY KIMMEL

    Many people know that Sidney Kimmel is the founder and chairman of the Jones Apparel group, the producer of numerous acclaimed feature films, and a leading philanthropist—but who knew he could tell a joke?
Sexual Techniques
    So these three old Jewish guys are bragging about their sexual exploits.
    They had decided to compete and see who could make their wife moan and scream the most.
    So the first guy says, “I win hands down. When I’m in the middle of having intercourse with my wife, I use a feather and she screams—she screams!”
    Second guy says, “I can top that. I do it the Japanese style and in the middle of it, I use these marbles and it really works and she screams like crazy.”
    Third guy says, “I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”
    He says, “I just jump on—do my one, two, six—and when I get off, I go over to the drapes, wipe myself off, and you should hear the
screams!”
ANNIE KORZEN

    Korzen played the recurring character of Doris Klompus on
Seinfeld
, and John Turturro’s mother in
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
.
Hello Dolly
    This guy, Lenny, is having a one-night stand. In the middle of the night the lady says to him, “You know, this has been so much fun, I’m gonna let you in on a secret.”
    He says, “Really? What’s that?”
    “My vagina … can sing.”
    “You’re kidding! Let’s see!”
    She pulls off the covers, he looks down, and he sees it singing, “Hellooo, Dolly! Well, hellooo, Dolly!”
    Well, he’s just astonished.
    He says, “This is fantastic! You should go on the road! You should get bookings! We could make a lot of money off of this! I have a friend who’s an agent. I’m going to call him right now.” He calls his friend, the agent,