Free What Do You Do With a Chocolate Jesus? by Thomas Quinn

Gospels that tell this birth story disagree with each other. Matthew never mentions the census, the manger, or the shepherds tending their flocks. Luke never mentions the Star of Bethlehem, the Magi, nor Herod’s slaughter of the innocents. Instead, Luke simply has Jesus circumcised eight days after his birth. (The early Church claimed at one point that they possessed his foreskin; apparently they didn’t throw anything away.) After this, Luke says Jesus is taken to Jerusalem for ritual purification, and then back home to Nazareth. No slaughter, no flight to Egypt, none of Matthew’s horror story. If it were true, how could Mark, Luke and John miss all that? It’s a mystery.
    The Year of Living Dangerously
     
    We know almost nothing about the first thirty years of Jesus’ life beyond an eerie little episode when he’s about twelve and is found praying to his “Father” in a synagogue. He must have had an unremarkable childhood because, when he begins his missionary work at age thirty, everyone is surprised by the miracles he performs. You’d think being born to a virgin under a star would have prepared them for this.
    By the reckonings in Mark, Matthew, and Luke, everything we know of Christ’s adulthood comes from the final year of his life. Jesus became a carpenter like his father. That is, his other father. The human one. (I suppose he had to buy two neckties for Father’s Day.) There is no indication he ever married, or even had a girlfriend—and no, I’m not suggesting that. Not being married, however, would have made him the exception in first century Palestine where men, especially a teacher or rabbi, would normally have been set up with a wife. Even today, unmarried men of a certain age (like mine) are considered a bit suspect. And no, I’m not suggesting that. (Not that there’s anything wrong with it, of course.)
    Some scholars looking at heretical accounts of Jesus speculate that he had an intimate relationship with Mary Magdalene, who was one of his most prominent disciples and a financial supporter. Many get really hot and bothered about this point, but even some clergy admit that being married with children would not have undermined Jesus’ message or authority. It might even have helped the Family Values argument.
    And just for the record, Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute. That was the idea of a sixth century pope, who figured that if she had been a prostitute and could still be forgiven, anyone could attain God’s grace. It was a nice idea, but Mary’s rep paid a price for a long time. Eventually, however, they did make her a saint.
    Many religions, biblical and otherwise, equate celibacy and virginity with purity, and people like their religious leaders pure. But in the early centuries A.D., Catholic priests had the option of getting married and having families. Even medieval popes had children, sometimes with wives and sometimes with concubines. The celibate, unmarried, hands-off priesthood we think of today evolved over centuries and didn’t become official until 1139. At that point, Pope Gregory VII made existing marriages among priests null and void, and their wives were demoted to concubines, which are basically live-in whores—except there was no sex allowed. I’m sure everyone was thrilled.
    There are disagreements over why this was done. One claim is that celibacy represents a body-and-soul commitment to God. Another says it was instituted to ensure that a deceased priest’s property ended up with the Church instead of with his descendents. Thomas Aquinas argued that celibacy was a Church idea, not God’s, and nowadays there are calls by some Catholics to allow priests to marry again. Don’t expect any quick action on this, however. Popes aren’t generally worried about the issue, and it’s not as if women are lining up to land a man who wears a flowing frock on holidays and has no experience in bed.
    Another controversy rages over whether or not Jesus had siblings. If he