Free A Walk in the Snark by Rachel Thompson Page A

I’ve seen a full moon, for twenty years, I’ve thought of you, Rach,” he said.
     
    I’ve never shared that with anyone before. That just kills me. D wasn’t a man of many words. He wasn’t emotional. To share that with me showed me how deeply he cared—over all those years. It stirs my soul.
     
    THE DIFFICULT KIND is from the Sheryl Crow album THE GLOBE SESSIONS.
Great song. Little known fact: Her sister sings backup.
     
    I think I was wrong.
     
    I think you were right.
     
    All my angry words,
     
    Will keep me up at night.
     
    Through the old screen door
     
    I still hear you say,
     
    ‘ Oh Honey won’t you stop
     
    Treatin’ me that way.’
     
    ~ Sheryl Crow, “The Difficult Kind”
     
    Mid 1980s:
     
    He had betrayed me. Twice. I told him that he didn’t deserve to be in my life. No woman deserved to be treated that way. I felt like I was stuck in a bad country song.
     
    It wouldn’t happen again because I was kicking him out.
     
    Over our five years together, he had shown me such tenderness, a hushed love whispered so sweetly only I could hear.
     
    I was already broken, my heart beyond shattered. He had come over to try to soothe me. Again. But even he couldn’t dry the tears my soul was crying.
     
    I had loved him so wholly, despite the emotional difficulties. He had loved me, too. Love was never our problem. I had given him everything, every part of me. A young man with a difficult life, all his insane truths and self-sabotage making no sense anymore. Did it ever?
     
    So much I didn’t understand…and wouldn’t ’til many years later.
     
    I slammed that door shut tight, in every way possible.
     
    If you could only see
     
    What love has made of me
     
    Then I’d no longer be in your mind
     
    The difficult kind
     
    ‘ Cause babe, I’ve changed
     
    Mid-2009:
     
    He contacts me on Facebook. We have had literally NO contact for over twenty years. I didn’t really understand why now.
     
    I crossed the canyon a thousand times
     
    Never noticed what was mine.
     
    What you remember of me tonight
     
    Well, it almost makes me cry,
     
    Yeah, it almost makes me cry.
     
    He says he knows he drank too much when we were together. I ask him why he cheated. To say “I was drunk,” is a total cop-out. “Not good enough, dude,” I tell him. “Pile,” he says.
     
    There ain’t nothing like regret
     
    To remind you you’re alive.
     
    Was it because what I offered was normalcy? The good life? The total opposite of what he’d known? House, car, wife, life? He tells me it was all too perfect. He just couldn’t be the man I expected him to be; that he wanted to be, for me. Yeah, well you know what I learned? I learned exactly what I didn’t want in a man.
     
    “Harsh, Rach,” was his reply.
     
    Oh ballbreaking moon and ridiculing stars,
     
    Oh, the older I get, the closer you are.
     
    Don’t you got somewhere that you need to be,
     
    Instead of hanging here making a fool of me.
     
    I’ll forever be in your mind,
     
    The difficult kind.
     
    But you won’t see, no you won’t see,

 
    The good in me,
     
    But babe I’ve changed,
     
    ‘ Cause babe I’ve changed.
     
    He said he was different now. He had changed. He was a father. He’d grown up. He knew he could now be that man. For me. It was all still so real to him. He remembered everything—all that I had pushed from my mind. He still remembered my birthday. That crushes me.
     
    Tell it to me slow,
     
    Tell me with your eyes.
     
    If anyone should know,
     
    How to let it slide.
     
    I swear I can see you,
     
    Coming up the drive…
     
    We had some really good conversations before he chose to end his life in October 2009. I didn’t go easy on him. I don’t feel bad about that, although I’ve certainly given it a lot of thought. He contacted me, he said, because he wanted to apologize for so many things. He felt he owed me that.
     
    Another abrupt ending. It was our pattern. I believe that in his heart,