Free A Walk in the Snark by Rachel Thompson Page B
Authors: Rachel Thompson
he was a really good man. A lost man, a torn man, but a good man. He was the difficult kind.
***
And now a return to the snark…
“ Women think tender is something their men should be;
men think tender is something their steak should be.”
COLD FEET
Like any child, I’ve observed my parents’ marriage for many years. They celebrated their fiftieth anniversary back in 2009 and are still going strong. That’s a lot of paper towel scrunchies.
The inspiration for this piece came from watching my folks do the temperature dance my whole life. I never realized I’d be playing the same game in my own home. And car.
Yet here I am, piling on the clothing while my guy is roasting. Playing musical thermostat. (Who opens windows in the winter? Oh yeah. MEN.)
It’s gotta be hormones, baby. (Surely there was a Seinfeld episode about this, right?)
I think MEN and WOMEN should come with an instruction manual before marriage. Some things would be sooo much easier. For example, to say that people can run hot and cold is never more true when it comes to a married couple.
Let me explain.
I always find it interesting that a MAN will find it necessary to open every window of the house while exclaiming, “Why is it so dang hot in here?” not caring or even noticing that you are freezing/shivering your cute little tush off, snuggled under piles of blankets, with the heat on and a hot mug of tea warming your frozen fingers.
A MAN must have cool air blowing on him at all times. Kind of like a dog in a car.
Speaking of cars, put a MAN and a woman together in a car on a long trip and all kinds of temperature-related hilarity will ensue.
The MAN likes it cool, preferably with the windows down—to get all that fresh air, babe. She, of course, doesn’t like the noise, or all that wind, especially on her freshly blown-out hair that she just paid $50 bucks for so he would think she looks pretty. (He will tell her she looks pretty without all that effort, but we know that’s just B.S. to save money.)
No discussion of male/female temperature intimacy would be complete without discussing cold feet. Not in the “Should I or shouldn’t I marry him/her,” kind; no, this is more of the “Dang woman, get those freakin’ icicles off me and put some damn socks on already!” variety.
MEN, I can see you laughing and nodding.
I’m sure there’s a perfectly valid medical reason that men run warmer (testosterone) and women are usually freezing (lack of Prada) that makes us run diametrically opposite on the temperature scale. Give a woman Prada and I guarantee heat will be generated. Ahem.
See, we women enjoy the fact that our men are like ovens because when we’re all cozy in our blankets, with our laptops, books, and tea (or in my case, coffee) at hand, the last thing we want to do is get up and go put socks on.
In the end, our MEN make for very effective foot warmers.
Among other things…
***
“ There’s a huge swarm of bees keeping me stuck inside this Starbucks.
If this is SB’s new marketing technique, it’s working.”
PIGSKIN, PRADA, AND PRIME BEEF, OH MY
Just as men and women differ about temperature, we also differ with regard to how to get ready for a party. Dudes immediately think food; chicks immediately think clothes.
There are women out there who don’t care about fashion as much I do. To them, fashion is function. If it’s cold, they layer. If it’s hot, shorts and a tank. That’s my mom. She hates to shop and pick out clothes, God love her.
My man knew this going in, and that’s just the way it is.
My mom thinks I’m an alien.
To say that men and women prepare for a Monday Night Football bash differently is a wee bit of an understatement.
For me, I want to make sure that the house is presentable, the kids are clean, and that the kitchen and liquor cabinet are
***
And now a return to the snark…
“ Women think tender is something their men should be;
men think tender is something their steak should be.”
COLD FEET
Like any child, I’ve observed my parents’ marriage for many years. They celebrated their fiftieth anniversary back in 2009 and are still going strong. That’s a lot of paper towel scrunchies.
The inspiration for this piece came from watching my folks do the temperature dance my whole life. I never realized I’d be playing the same game in my own home. And car.
Yet here I am, piling on the clothing while my guy is roasting. Playing musical thermostat. (Who opens windows in the winter? Oh yeah. MEN.)
It’s gotta be hormones, baby. (Surely there was a Seinfeld episode about this, right?)
I think MEN and WOMEN should come with an instruction manual before marriage. Some things would be sooo much easier. For example, to say that people can run hot and cold is never more true when it comes to a married couple.
Let me explain.
I always find it interesting that a MAN will find it necessary to open every window of the house while exclaiming, “Why is it so dang hot in here?” not caring or even noticing that you are freezing/shivering your cute little tush off, snuggled under piles of blankets, with the heat on and a hot mug of tea warming your frozen fingers.
A MAN must have cool air blowing on him at all times. Kind of like a dog in a car.
Speaking of cars, put a MAN and a woman together in a car on a long trip and all kinds of temperature-related hilarity will ensue.
The MAN likes it cool, preferably with the windows down—to get all that fresh air, babe. She, of course, doesn’t like the noise, or all that wind, especially on her freshly blown-out hair that she just paid $50 bucks for so he would think she looks pretty. (He will tell her she looks pretty without all that effort, but we know that’s just B.S. to save money.)
No discussion of male/female temperature intimacy would be complete without discussing cold feet. Not in the “Should I or shouldn’t I marry him/her,” kind; no, this is more of the “Dang woman, get those freakin’ icicles off me and put some damn socks on already!” variety.
MEN, I can see you laughing and nodding.
I’m sure there’s a perfectly valid medical reason that men run warmer (testosterone) and women are usually freezing (lack of Prada) that makes us run diametrically opposite on the temperature scale. Give a woman Prada and I guarantee heat will be generated. Ahem.
See, we women enjoy the fact that our men are like ovens because when we’re all cozy in our blankets, with our laptops, books, and tea (or in my case, coffee) at hand, the last thing we want to do is get up and go put socks on.
In the end, our MEN make for very effective foot warmers.
Among other things…
***
“ There’s a huge swarm of bees keeping me stuck inside this Starbucks.
If this is SB’s new marketing technique, it’s working.”
PIGSKIN, PRADA, AND PRIME BEEF, OH MY
Just as men and women differ about temperature, we also differ with regard to how to get ready for a party. Dudes immediately think food; chicks immediately think clothes.
There are women out there who don’t care about fashion as much I do. To them, fashion is function. If it’s cold, they layer. If it’s hot, shorts and a tank. That’s my mom. She hates to shop and pick out clothes, God love her.
My man knew this going in, and that’s just the way it is.
My mom thinks I’m an alien.
To say that men and women prepare for a Monday Night Football bash differently is a wee bit of an understatement.
For me, I want to make sure that the house is presentable, the kids are clean, and that the kitchen and liquor cabinet are
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