Free Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty

two thirds of the Clueless Crew are spending spring break in Cancún. (All expenses paid for by Wally D.) Sara and Manda tried to keep it a secret from me via a half-assed hush-hush that I can only compare to a stage whisper.DON’T LET JESS FIND OUT ABOUT OUR TRIP. They thought I’d be crushed when I found out they were bonding without me.
     
    Uh,no .
     
    Ironically, once they found out that I had found out, they had no problem dishing about their trip in front of Bridget. Bridget masked her pain for thirty seconds before she lost it.
     
    "How come I didn’t get invited?!"
     
    "We assumed you wanted to spend all of your time with Burke," said Manda.
     
    "Yeah!" said Sara.
     
    "We can’t help it if you’re lucky enough to have a great boyfriend to spend spring break with and we don’t," said Manda, who conveniently dumped Bernie as soon as Sara offered her the trip.
     
    "Yeah!" said Sara.
     
    I guess Bridget decided that she was indeed the lucky one. So she forgave them and there were hugs all around. Typical Clueless Crew conflict resolution.
     
    Spring break is stressful. All that freedom freaks me out. It’s like I’m expected to do something cool with all this free time. Maybe that’s why I slept in until 3:37P.M. , throwing my sleeping schedule even more out of whack. But no matter how bored I get, it’s better than being in school.
     
    the twentieth
     
    My mom came home from work last night and asked how my day was.
     
    "Amaya is boiling bunnies over Colin …"
     
    "Who? What?!"
     
    "And Ruthie is an alkie in denial. And Justin …"
     
    "Jessie! What are you talking about? Who are these people? Are they friends of yours?"
     
    "Uh, not really," I said. "They’re fromThe Real World."
     
    My mom sighed and said, "Jessie, I asked you howyour day was."
     
    That’s when I realized I had gotten too attached to the TV.
     
    When Scotty invited me over to his house today, I thought,Okay. Here’s my chance to be social.I rode my bike over. When I arrived, I rang the bell and waited for someone to come to the door. No one did. I could hear noises coming from inside, so I knew they were in there. I rang a few more times before I just let myself in.
     
    Shouts led me to the basement. Besides Scotty, Bridget and Burke were there, and Scotty’s baseball buddy P.J. The guys were huddled around the TV, playing a wrestling videogame. Bridget was standing over Burke’s shoulder, watching intently.
     
    "Hey, guys!" I shouted.
     
    "Waaaaazzzzzzuuuuup!" shouted Scotty.
     
    "Smackdown!" shouted P.J.
     
    "Three sixteen! Three sixteen!" shouted B. and B.
     
    I tried talking to Bridget, thinking she might be grateful for the arrival of someone without a Y chromosome. But she gave me one-word answers, eyes superglued to the screen.
     
    I can’t believe we used to be best friends.
     
    The Royal Rumble went on for ten more minutes before Burke "Stone Cold" Roy was declared the winner. Only then did they acknowledge my presence.
     
    "Hey Jess, did you see how I made Glazer my bitch?"
     
    "Bee ess! Don’t believe thatmuther effing see sucker."
     
    "You got spanked! You pussy!"
     
    And then Scotty twisted P.J.’s arms around his neck and made him beg for mercy.
     
    I was stupid to think that they would turn off the game and—I don’t know—talkor something. Instead, they just popped in another game. This one involved riding on skateboards and blowing each other up. I was used to this for an hour or two on Saturday nights. But I realized that they were going to do thisall day . Girls will get together just to get together. Guys need an activity as an excuse. Otherwise it’s too homo for them to handle.
     
    Just then, I heard a toilet flush—not with awhoosh, but with a long, labored belch. Rob emerged from the bathroom, zipping up his fly, Lysol in hand.
     
    "Dude, I just destroyed your shitter," he said with scatological pride.
     
    Rob’s assplosion was, literally, the final blow, so I said