Free Finding Never by C. M. Stunich Page A

quoting poetry at you from minute one.”
    “ That's
okay,” I say as we both step over the small, wooden fence that
separates the parking lot from the grassy area surrounding Shadow
Lake. It's still just as beautiful as I remember, but not as
beautiful as the sea. I hate that I can see the other side, although
distant. The ocean offers up so many more possibilities. It might
be more dangerous, but I like it better than the lake, even if it's
the safer choice. “I missed your poems.” I pause as I
think about how to tell Noah that I kind of stalked him. “Well,
I missed hearing you recite them. I read all the ones you posted,”
I say as we move over to a picnic table and sit on the top with our
feet on the bench, backs towards the parking lot and eyes focused on
the still, quiet waters of the lake.
    “ I
looked everywhere for you, Never,” he whispers and his voice
carries across the surface of the lake like a dragonfly. “You
didn't post anything online, nothing to let me know you were there,
that you were listening.” Noah pauses. “Did you read my
Butterfly Series?” he asks referring to a set of poems that I
printed out and read until the paper fell apart, until my eyes were
blurry. I know all about the Butterfly Series.
    “ Alas!
I've discovered the crisis of humanity; a dirty truth is no better
than a pretty lie yet one is substantially more harsh than the other.
How can I, a man without a heart, be expected to tell either without
crippling his soul beyond repair? ” I quote Noah's words
without a hitch, without a single stumble, and finally give in to the
smell of the food, stuffing a cold fry into my mouth and sucking at
the straw to my milkshake. Noah looks at me for a long moment, and
then he reaches out and brushes some hair from my face. I feel
paralyzed, so I don't move. I just sit there and watch him watching
me and don't know what to do.
    “ To
answer your question,” he says finally as he turns his head
away from me and leans back on his palms. “When I woke up and
found you had left, I … ” Noah freezes, and I take the
chance to examine the smooth, straight line of his nose, his perfect,
pink lips and the way he runs his tongue across them unconsciously.
He's not as muscular as Ty, but he's strong. I can see it in his
arms, the way his shirt falls neatly down the smooth plane of his
belly. I remember touching it, running my fingers down it, licking
my way to his cock. My first and last blow job. I didn't do blow
jobs with my guy friends. What was the point? Get them off while I
sit there and watch, wallowing in my pain? No, thank you. I needed
to fill that hole inside of me. I look away, suddenly ashamed. Noah
doesn't know. Noah doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know
I'm a fucking whore, but what if he did? How do I tell him? Do I
have to tell him? I swing my gaze back to Noah and my chip
earring hits me again. I want to rip it out and throw it in the
lake, but I know that's stupid, that I'd regret that, so I just touch
it, still its movement before Noah sees and asks about it. “I
panicked Never,” Noah finally admits. “I panicked
because I loved you so much I thought my heart was going to explode
every time you walked into a room. I wanted to marry you, have a
family with you, keep you forever.”
    “ I'm
not a dog,” I snap, and feel instantly guilty. Obviously Noah
is aware of that fact. His face falls, and I find myself reaching
out to apologize. I touch the back of his hand gently and have to
swallow three times before I can speak. “I'm sor-”
    “ I
still love you, Never.”
    Shit.
    “ Noah,”
I begin because I can't stand having these two guys saying things
like this to me. It makes me feel … strange. I went from
empty inside to full all at once, and I don't know how to handle it.
Noah holds up his hands.
    “ I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have said that,” he tells me softly and
tries to smile his way through the awkward. It works. I smile back.
“Let's start