Free Shy Town Girls by Katie Leimkuehler Page B

telling them about this; in fact, I hated
telling anyone about it. I was embarrassed about him and about our
entire relationship. I liked my business staying mine and I was not
ready for the opinions and judgments that came along with sharing
my relationship drama.
    “ Shit happens,” Ella
said.
    Ivy stubbed out her cigarette. “Is there anymore wine
in that bottle?” she asked.
    That was it?
    “ So, do you think I was stupid for
not dumping him right then and there?” I asked. “When I found the
texts?”
    Ivy shrugged a shoulder. “You said you two weren’t
really exclusive at the time. I mean, I used to cheat on my
boyfriends all the time,” she said. “Less complicated that
way.”
    “ You’re crazy,” said Ella. “How is
that less complicated?”
    “ I know it wasn’t right. But I think
it was a way for me to end things when I wanted to be
free.”
    What? I couldn’t believe Ivy’s detached attitude. I
had never cheated. I didn’t think it was possible for me to cheat.
My conscience would always get the best of me.
    “ Bobbie, I think it’s selfless of
you to forgive him,” Ella said.
    “ No one’s perfect. You gave him a
chance and now you can go on with no regrets, because you tried,”
Ivy said.
    No judgment? Were they just being nice? I let go of
the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding in my lungs.
Relief.
    “ Are you interested in anyone else
right now?” Ella asked.
    Oliver’s face flashed through my mind, his crooked
grin and goofy laugh. “God, no,” I said. “I mean, maybe eventually,
but it’s just too soon, with Charlie and me in this state of limbo.
. .”
    “ Limbo?” Ella frowned. “So, there’s
a chance you’ll get back together or— wait, are you still together?
I’m confused!”
    I realized at that moment that I hadn’t felt the
complete permanence of my move into the house with Ella and Ivy. I
had told myself that I was never going to be with Charlie ever
again. It was the decision I had made. But I felt alone without
him. I was lonely. I wanted to be thrilled. I liked that he kept
coming after me, begging me to return to him. And when he did just
that, I found it hard not to contemplate giving in to him.
    But I had to admit I was kidding myself when I
considered the possibility that anything would be different if I
did give in to him. If we were to start over again. . . nothing
would be different. He would still be the same Charlie, and I would
still be the same me. And I wanted so much to change!
    “ There’s really no chance we’ll get
back together,” I responded, staring into the fire. “I just wish I
could rid myself of this fantasy that I have, that if we get back
together, I would suddenly have everything I want. I would suddenly
be happy again.”
    “ Bobbie, you don’t need a guy to be
happy, you know,” Ella said.
    “ I get that,” I said. And I did,
intellectually. But for me being happy included being a girlfriend
to a really great guy, a teammate.
    Later in the night, after three glasses of Pinot
Noir, my head was buzzing, and I felt emotionally drained. I said
goodnight to the girls, who weren’t ready to call it a night, and
made my way carefully down the stairs, and swan-dived onto my
bed.
    Charlie’s face kept floating through my mind. I
reminded myself of all the reasons I’d left him: the way he made me
feel self-conscious about everything I believed in; the constant
need to maintain perfection; the fact that I felt most alone when I
was with him. Why couldn’t I let go? What he thought about me, or
anything else, really, was irrelevant. Was I blaming him for my
unhappiness? Maybe my insecurities really had nothing to do with
him at all. I shouldn’t blame him. He’s innocent. No, was not
innocent. He cheated on me. You don’t hurt the people you love.
Wait, I forgave him and I should stick to that, based on principle.
I needed a vacation! No, I would still have to come back to this. I
needed a change. I should quit my