Free Boy Meets Girl by Meg Cabot

tell me about Stuart’s cute brother. How cute is he? He doesn’t have an abnormally large head, does he? It isn’t a family trait?
    Katydid:
    Are you CRAZY? Stop I.M.-ing. She’s going to catch us. She’s been all over me ever since I got in.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Whatever. I’ll watch her, and if I see her log on, I’ll signal you. So. His head. Cartoonishly gargantuan, or what? How’s his butt?
    Katydid:
    Totally normal-size head. I told you, he’s cute. I mean, for a lawyer.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Koala-bear cute? Or tie-him-to-the-bed cute?
    Katydid:
    You are sick. But I might tie him to the bed. If I had one. A bed, I mean.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Butt, please.
    Katydid:
    I didn’t look at his butt. Are you crazy? He’s a LAWYER. I mean, what does it matter what kind of butt he has when he has a job taking advantage of the disenfranchised?
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Since when is Ida Lopez disenfranchised? She’s in a union, she makes more than I do, probably. Now I would like a description of his ass.
    Katydid:
    What does it matter? It’s not like he could ever be interested in me. I’m such a spaz. I mean, I started going off during my interview on this tangent about Dale. I didn’t say his name, or anything—Dale’s, I mean—but I don’t know. Giving a deposition is WEIRD. It’s so . . . personal. Everyone is looking at you. I mean, he was sitting right there, right across the table. I could have reached out and touched his hand. We DID touch hands at one point, when I spilled my coffee, and we both reached to wipe it off. He has really nice hands. And no wedding ring, either.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    WHO CARES ABOUT HIS HANDS? WHAT ABOUT HIS BUTT?
    Katydid:
    Okay, okay. Basic stats: height, about six one. Weight, you know, normal for being six one. He looked kind of . . . built, beneath the suit. It was kind of hard to tell. Plus everyone looks built compared to Dale. Nice suit, conservative, but coupled with a tie that had Rocky and Bullwinkle on it. . . .
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    You lie.
    Katydid:
    I beg your pardon, but I do not. Rocky and Bullwinkle, as sure as I’m sitting here Instant Messaging you instead of working on the sexual harassment suit against Dolly Vargas. He says his nieces gave it to him. He’s also got dark hair, kind of on the long side, you know, compared to Stuart’s. I know because I ran into Stuart on my way out. Mitch is taller than Stuart. Also, his hair isn’t thinning like Stuart’s. Or graying. Also, he has this dimple in the middle of his chin. And green eyes. Really. Or maybe hazel. But they looked green. Did I say he had really nice hands?
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Butt, please.
    Katydid:
    I didn’t look at his butt!!!!!!
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    You lie.
    Katydid:
    Okay. I looked. It was roundly supple.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Mmmmmmmmmm
    Katydid:
    Hey! You’re married! You can’t be mmmming other guys’ butts!
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    That’s whatyou think. So. When are you going to see him again?
    Katydid:
    I’M NOT! HE’S A MEAN CORPORATE LAWYER. I DON’T DATE MEAN CORPORATE LAWYERS. Or anyone, for that matter. My life is in enough upheaval.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    I thought you said he has nice hands.
    Katydid:
    He does. But what does it matter? You remember how those guys in law school were back when we were in college. The keggers. The loafers with tassels. Please! And this one’s the enemy, remember? He’s out to get poor Mrs. Lopez! I could never date someone who made a living defending the likes of Peter Hargrave against the working-class slobs who are just trying to be treated fairly. No matter how tie-to-the-bed-able he might be.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Liar.
    Katydid:
    I’m not lying!
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Ladies’ room. Now.
    Katydid:
    No!
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    Now. Someone’s got to slap some sense into you, and as usual, it looks like that someone’s gonna be me.
    Sleaterkinneyfan:
    logged off
    Katydid:
    logged off
    To: Amy Jenkins
    Fr: Courtney