Free Honky Tonk Samurai (Hap and Leonard) by Joe R. Lansdale

Leonard asked.
    “No, actually she told me that,” Brett said. “Said she was happy for twenty years, or thought she was, and then one morning she got up thinking he was cheating, and he wasn’t, but she hoped he was. Said he’s devastated and she feels a little bad about it, but she’s moving on anyway.”
    “People are strange,” I said.
    “I called Marvin to offer him his part of the payment,” Brett said, “but he doesn’t want it. He says all of it is ours to have. He’s keeping himself clear of the old business so there won’t be any misunderstandings.”
    “Does this mean dinner out for me and you and John and Leonard?” I asked.
    “Buffy would be alone,” she said. “I don’t think she’s ready for that.”
    “Good point,” I said.
    “We could order something and have it here or at the house,” Brett said.
    Leonard shook his head. “John and I are going to pass. We’re working on things. I think I need to sort of hang close. He’s like your new dog right now. Vulnerable and confused. And me, I’m not too good at dealing with vulnerable. I kind of see it as a weakness. John comes and he goes. He’s on about things. He’s off about things. All that shit just makes my ass tired. I’m sick of talking about it, but I want a decision.”
    “He’s vulnerable, like Buffy,” I said, “but he acts like a cat.”
    “Tell me about it,” Leonard said. “Just get over it or get on with something else and let me know where you stand. I hate all this back-and-forth bullshit about our feelings and such. My feelings are I care about him and I want to go to bed with him and I want to watch television with him, and now and again I want him to just leave me the fuck alone.”
    “That’s part of the problem,” Brett said. “You wanting him to just leave you the fuck alone now and again. Maybe you ought to at least pretend to be understanding.”
    “I suppose,” Leonard said, shifting his butt onto the edge of the desk, crossing his well-muscled arms. “But you know what? Just pull your pants up and get on with it. I get so tired of all the whining. Do what it takes or shut up.”
    “Oh, that has got to be good pillow talk,” I said.
    “Pretty understanding and romantic,” Brett said.
    “Yeah, John don’t care for it much,” Leonard said.
    “Sometimes a little white lie never hurts anybody,” Brett said. “Tell him you feel his pain and understand his feelings, and that it’s something the two of you will get through together. It might even come true.”
    “But it isn’t like that,” Leonard said. “I can’t listen to that ‘I’m a homo sinner’ shit and not want to start tearing up the place.”
    “I bet that homo thing really goes down tight with the gay community,” I said.
    “I wouldn’t know,” he said. “I don’t much like any community. I don’t want to be part of anyone’s goddamn club other than my own. I don’t have problems with who I am. I don’t want to tell a little white lie about how I understand where he’s coming from, because I don’t.”
    “Sometimes you have to lie a little,” I said.
    “So you lie to Brett?” Leonard said.
    Brett was looking right at me.
    “I didn’t say that,” I said.
    “You just told me it was a good idea,” Leonard said.
    “Actually, she did.”
    “You just said the same thing,” Leonard said.
    “I was just saying who said what.”
    “And I’m just saying you were one of those who said what,” Leonard said.
    Brett was watching this like a Ping-Pong match.
    Another five minutes and I had extricated myself from the mess with a few white lies, and Leonard and I left to return the BMW.
    Leonard chuckled as we rode along. “Got you, didn’t I, brother?”
    “That stuff about lying was because of the cookies, wasn’t it?”
    “Most definitely was. John’s not the only one on the fade right now. I am feeling quite vulnerable myself. For cookies.”
    “At least you’re simple,” I said.

9
    T hat night I