Free Tracker’s Sin by Sarah McCarty

go home,” she told Josefina. There was the slightest hesitation before the older woman set Miguel down on the blanket on the
    floor of the main room.
    “You are home.”
    Ari licked her lips and tried again. It was so painful for the Moraleses when she brought up their son. She couldn’t blame them for always
    changing the subject. “I know this is difficult for you, but I need to go to the home that I shared with Miguel’s father. I know you think it’s only going to…upset
    me again, but it’s something I need to do. I need to touch something from Antonio’s and my life together.”
    So it would feel real.
    “You have proof of your life together in your son.”
    Ari had tried before and never succeeded in convincing Josefina that Miguel had nothing to do with his father in her mind. He somehow
    seemed more connected with her survival than her past. Of course, she hadn’t tried very hard. But Tracker’s arrival had done more than stir feelings of
    being a woman. It had also stirred her need to find some part of herself that had been lost on that bloody day when her husband had been kil ed.
    “When I look at Miguel, I see nothing of Antonio. When I look at my baby, I see Miguel’s eyes, Miguel’s nose, Miguel’s face. It’s almost like
    Antonio never existed.”
    Josephine stumbled and bumped into the smal table beside the horsehair sofa. The lamp on top rocked. Ari hurried over to catch it
    before oil spil ed over the floor.
    “Are you al right?” she asked.
    Josefina straightened and smoothed her hair with a hand that shook. The shaking might have been from the smal fright, but that sick
    feeling in Ari’s stomach grew worse.
    “Antonio did exist, didn’t he?”
    Josefina made the sign of the cross. “How dare you ask me such a thing? My son was very much a man.”
    Ari immediately felt guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I keep trying to explain that he’s just not real to me. I need him to be real. I
    need to go home to touch that part of me that I lost.”
    Josefina was shaking her head before Ari even finished. “No. It is not wise.”
    “I wasn’t asking permission.”
    For the first time in the eleven months since Ari had been here, Josefina looked angry. “You are ungrateful.”
    “I just need to know.”
    The older woman slashed the air with her hand. “You would open old wounds for everyone. Bring back the grief that we have just buried.
    For nothing.” She slashed the air again. “And your memory wil not come back.”
    “You don’t know that.”
    “I know the Lord shields you from what you cannot bear. My son is dead. Your life with him, it is also gone as if it never existed, but you
    have a future here. We are your family now. Vincente and I wil share memories of Antonio with you. You wil share them with Miguel. It is enough.”
    “No, it’s not.” Ari had never been more sure of anything in her life. She picked Miguel up off the floor and turned on her heel and headed
    for the door. “I need my life back.”
    “You do not know what you do,” Josefina cal ed.
    She stopped at the door and looked back. The woman was completely distraught and there was a wildness in her eyes. “No, I don’t.
    That’s the problem, and if you won’t tel me, then I’l have to go find the answers for myself.”
    Josefina’s smal brown eyes narrowed. “I won’t al ow it.”
    For the first time since Ari had woken up in the back of the wagon to see Vincente and Josefina’s faces looking down at her, a sense of
    determination dominated.
    “You’re not going to have a say.”
    Being outside in the sunshine didn’t help chase the blackness from Ari’s spirit. The sun on her skin was just one more aggravation. She
    was angry. She was resentful. She was frustrated. Why couldn’t Josefina understand how badly she needed to know what had happened?
    She walked around like a cripple because nothing made sense. Getting vague answers had been al right at first, but as her body