Free Fairy Tale by Cyn Balog

saying.
    This is my boyfriend's "intended."
    I feel the overwhelming need to drown my head in the nearest toilet.
    When she opens her mouth to speak, I brace myself for war. But she says, "You wanted to see me?" just as innocently as a child.
    I take a step back and inspect her, hoping for an ass the size of a Buick or something. Unfortunately, there's nothing to detract from the perfect-ten thing she has going on. She's impossibly skinny, probably into negative sizes. I pause on her jeans-yes, real Seven jeans. Not a dress spun from spiderwebs or corn silk or whatever I'd been expecting. And no pointy shoes with little bells on them; she's wearing high boots with three-inch heels. She looks completely out of place on my front lawn, like she should be parading down a runway or shaking her ass on a dance floor with Paris Hilton.
    "You're Dawn?" I ask doubtfully. "Where are your wings?"
    "Shape-shifting is easy for we of the Seelie Court, the most powerful fairies in all of Otherworld," she explains, a little too snootily for my taste.
    Ah, shape-shifting. Of course. Nobody can look that good naturally. Out of all the human forms she could take on, common sense would dictate choosing a shape like one of America's Next Top Models. I'm certain that as far as fairies go, she probably looks like a megatroll.
    "Seelie Court?" I put my hands on my hips to show I'm not swayed by her "power."
    Pip whispers into my ear, "The Seelie Court are the most benevolent fairies. They are kind and good to humans."
    I whirl around to him. "Oh, yeah, really kind. Let's not forget, she hit me."
    He shrugs. "Um. Usually."
    I think for a moment. "So, you're, like, a fairy godmother?"
    She nods, pleased with herself.
    "Let me get this straight. You are a fairy godmother?" I ask, wondering if the whole motherly-and-chubby thing was only something Disney invented.
    "Silence, Dubbleflinger she says to me, then looks at Pip. Dismissing me, just like that. Wench.
    I look at Pip, who is fidgeting. I don't think he has made eye contact once with Dawn. "What is a Dubbleflinger?"
    He looks at the ground. "I-I am not quite sure."
    "Liar," I hiss at him. I know it's something bad. And if she thinks she can hurl insults at me, she'd better be prepared for the bitch-slapping of her young life.
    She says to Pip, "The training has been going well, but slowly, due to"-she glares at me- "some interruptions. I am sure he's just in shock. This is unusual news, I suppose. But I know he'll eventually come around."
    "Hey, look." I snap my fingers in her face. "He's not coming around. He doesn't want to be a fairy."
    She rolls her eyes. "Of course he does. He just doesn't know enough about it yet, so he's afraid. It is his birthright to join the Seelie Court."
    "What? No, you see, he's in love with me."
    She laughs as if I'm a child who just said something amusing but completely misguided. "That is ridiculous. Fairies are not capable of that. And he is more important than you can possibly comprehend. He shall be our king."
    "King?" I spit out. "You mean, as in..." I try to find something similar, but my mind is completely blank. "... king?"
    What does she know? Cam is very generous in sharing the last Chips Ahoy! in the tray and always buys me pop com when we go to the movies, but he doesn't exactly fit the fairy godmother mold. And, while the idea of his being king is well and good, Cam can't rule a whole kingdom, since he can barely keep his own closet from smelling like feet. "No, believe me, he doesn't want to. He will never want to. So you can just pack up your bibbity-bobbity bags and get the hell..."
    My voice trails off when I realize I'm, again, creeping up there on the harsh-o-meter. That's probably not a great idea, considering she's Miss All-Powerful and everything.
    She smiles at me, almost warmly, and leans in. Her voice is even, and sweet: "Cameron is coming home with me on his sixteenth birthday. If you interfere, what I did to you this morning will feel like