Free Lost by Sarah Ann Walker Page B

around her mouth, and a huge stupid smile.
  Leaving for work 10 minutes later, I ran for my car, nearly slid on the ice, laughed at myself, and hopped in for the 20 minute drive to work.  I drove to work with a stupid smile, and with a giddiness I didn’t know I even possessed as I danced in my seat and sang along with the radio, badly.
                             
      When I arrived at work, I was still thinking about Peter and his kiss and I had to concentrate very hard on learning my new job from Carole all day.  I was distracted way too often and it bothered me, even though I couldn’t seem to help the distraction I was suffering.
  I wasn't the kind of woman who let a man distract her, and I wasn't the kind of woman who acted love struck and stupid.  I never acted weak or simple, and I never acted giddy in a relationship- not that we were in one at that point, but probably.  And that reality of a relationship, after only one day of knowing Peter scared the hell out of me. 
      Over lunch I analyzed the shit out of myself and realized I was acting like a psycho.  Peter and I had had one date, one day together and I was thinking about our 'relationship'.  I was obsessed with defining us, and I was desperate to have some kind of hold on him which was crazy.  So I made myself chill out. 
      I decided after my half hour lunch I would stop the bullshit obsessing, and I would focus on my job.  I knew relationships always ended but my career had the potential to be forever, but only if I pulled my head out of my ass, which I eventually did.
  The rest of the afternoon blurred into notes, multiple guesses about Carole's next move, and questions here and there.  I stayed focused and alert about my job only, forcing Peter out of my mind all afternoon.
 
      And by 4:30 I was spent again.  Intellectually, I was totally drained which made me question whether this draining was going to always happen, or if it was merely because I was learning everything from scratch.  I watched Carole seem to handle everything well, and I didn't feel inferior to her, just ignorant of the position and demands; therefore I convinced myself that I wouldn't always feel so tired at the end of the day once I was settled into a routine of my own.

  When I returned home, changed into my grubby clothes and made myself pasta for dinner, I suddenly realized I hadn't received any roses all day.  Not that I expected them, and not that the roses could continue indefinitely, but I did feel a little disappointed that the blue roses thing was over.  I had enjoyed the attention a little because it let me know Peter was thinking about me throughout the day like I was thinking about him.
  After dinner, I looked over my notes on the couch and admittedly, looked at the clock way too often.  I was suffering that insane the clock has stopped moving phenomena all people experience when they're desperate for something to happen at a specific time.  The hour between 6 and 7 absolutely crawled by as I anxiously waited to talk to Peter again.  But he didn't call.
 7:30 came and went, and so did 8:00.  By 9:00, I was actually angry, and by 10:00 I felt sad.  I knew I was feeling mental over Peter, and I didn't like it, so I went to sleep shortly after 10 instead of waiting any longer. 
      Picturing Peter's kiss in bed, and reliving the amazing feelings I felt inside me during the kiss were completely eclipsed by the sadness pulling at me because he hadn’t called.  I felt stupid and embarrassed that I had put so much potential into a man I had just met.  But my feelings were what they were, and I couldn't help the stupid disappointment I felt.
  All I knew as I settled in for sleep was I wasn't going to give Peter anymore power over me emotionally.  I would cut him off before I became more invested in any potential of Peter in my life.