Free The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes Page A

saying he’s uncovered the magics of the gods.”
    “Sounds like your friend went on a power trip,” I said carefully.
    “I know. He’s gotten more and more obsessed with it, too. He keeps saying he needs greater power, needs to expand his abilities, needs to steal people’s life force—” Albert shut his mouth quickly, but unfortunately not even zombies can clam up fast enough to steal their own words back.
    “Ah, so that’s what this is about. Let me guess . . . ancient rite, kills us all, and uses our souls, or life force, or whatever to gather tremendous power for himself?” I asked already knowing the answer.
    Albert was clearly impressed. “Are you a necromancer too?”
    “No.” I sighed. “I’m just a numbers guy, and that means I can see an obvious pattern when it’s set in front of me. Look, Albert, you seem like a good guy. We need to get out of here, and you’re the one with the keys. You know what your friend is doing is wrong, so hurry and help us before—”
    “Good evening, my rebellious subjects!” Neil said as he stepped into the clearing, large black tome in hand. “I trust you have all had time to contemplate your crimes and are ready for penance?”
    “—that happens.”

6.
    “Albert!” I hissed quickly as he scurried up to a standing position, and Neil began touring through our little makeshift captive camp. “Albert, there’s still time. Don’t let him do this!”
    Unfortunately, I was wasting my . . . well, okay, I don’t have real breath, so let’s say “words.” Albert was back in full submission mode. He all but scampered over to Neil, making the report that we were all here and thoroughly subjugated. The other players confirmed this, bewailing their fates at having put their trust in Lord Drake instead of the clear superiority of Emperor Nikolai. The only exceptions to this were Lord Drake himself, Maria, and me. Lord Drake and Maria out of some sense of fictional, generic vampire pride, and me because I knew kissing ass was going to be a pointless gesture.  Otherwise, I would have puckered up with the best of them.
    Neil held up a hand, and everyone fell silent. “My poor, misguided subjects, your Emperor has had time to cool his head and give thought to what you’ve done. While I am hurt that you would try to tear me from my throne, I am also complimented that a faction as powerful as your own would consider me a threat. Therefore, I am going to give you all a second chance.”
    There was a murmur of happiness that ran through the crowd. It seems some of my fellow captives had been sincerely concerned he would kill off their characters. The irony was palpable.
    “Now, my dear assistant Albert will help you all to form a circle around me. I am doing this so that I might hold a binding ceremony. I will be letting you all live, but your powers will be sealed until the next new moon. By then I hope we can be on better terms than we are now, and you will use your gifts to aid my kingdom instead of work against it,” Neil said as he opened his book and began flipping through it.
    Albert was off like a flash, starting at the front and arranging us in a chained circle around Neil. It took relatively little time, since Albert was less helping more and just picking up and moving. There were some confused faces as the scrawny kid picked up large men like they weighed nothing, but after all, it was a night of magic and characters, so they let it slide.
    Once again, I was last. As soon as Albert plucked me up, though, he whispered in my ear. “Listen, don’t worry, okay? Nothing bad will happen to you. Neil is out to steal life forces, and we dead guys don’t have that. Just sit through the ceremony, and you’ll be fine.”
    “And everyone else?” I whispered out the side of my mouth.
    “You’ll be fine,” Albert repeated a moment later, quickening his step and setting me down, thus finishing the circle of chained vampires.
    It was a fairly wide circle, with