Free The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes

for heaven only knew what, but I couldn’t help feeling for the kid. I’d been in about the same boat for my whole life, and most of my afterlife. “I wasn’t exactly Mr. Popular myself.”
    “Few people who come to these events are . That’s why they were so much fun. I don’t imagine you’ve had it quite that bad, though. I saw the girl you came here with. And besides, at least you’re not some undead freak,” Albert said. It was weird. Even when trying to mope, his voice still had a happy, sing-songy style.
    “Um . . . well . . . that’s not entirely true,” I said.
    Albert looked up from the ground he had been staring at and directly at me. It was less like he was looking at me, though, more like he was studying me carefully. “Just how untrue is it?” Albert asked.
    In response I opened my mouth, showing my human looking teeth. With a bit of concentration I did the trick I was finally getting the hang of, letting my canines extend to long, razor-sharp points. I then pulled them back to normal, which was much harder than letting them grow, and closed my mouth.
    Albert’s, however, hung open in surprise. After a few minutes of opening and closing his jaw, he finally got his tongue back in working order and said, “I guess that explains how you knew Neil was the real deal.”
    “Unfortunately, yes it does. Wait, you’re undead. Why didn’t it work on you?”
    Albert shrugged. “I think creatures that you animate are immune from your own generic spells. You have to target them directly, or some such protocol. Neil explained it to me once after he brought me back, but I’ve never been smart enough to understand stuff like that.”
    “Oh,” I said. We lapsed into silence after that, captor and captive deciding where to go from here. I opted to try and ask the question I’d never been able to ask anyone else since my transformation. I mean, when was I going to get another chance like this?
    “So, if it isn’t prying,” I said carefully. ”Can I ask how you died?”
    There was only silence at first, then I heard Albert’s voice say softly, “I’d rather not talk about it.”
    “I understand,” I .said quickly. “I can barely even remember my death. It seems like I’ve almost totally blocked it out. If you do remember yours, then I can only guess at how traumatic that must be. I’m sorry I asked. It’s just . . . You’re the first other undead person I’ve met.”
    “Ummmm, it isn’t really that it was traumatic. Just embarrassing,” Albert said.
    “What makes it so bad?” I asked.
    “How much do you know about autoerotic asphyxiation and the accidents that come with it?”
    “You know what, I think I’ve got the picture,” I said, words so hurried I nearly broke into a stutter. “So . . . that happened, then Neil brought you back. Was he always a necromancer?”
    “Nah,” Albert said quickly, obviously grateful to be off the topic of his death. “He was a science geek for years. He used to make fun of me for loving the occult and stuff like this. But after I died, apparently he went off the deep end a little bit. He even went to his grandpa for help.” Albert gave his head a small shake, sending strands of his long, moderately unkempt hair in front of his dark eyes.
    “Was his grandfather a necromancer too?” I asked, getting drawn in a bit.
    “Not that we know of, but his grandmother was a real famous medium back in the day. Before she died, she accumulated a bunch of supposedly magical stuff, and one of the things there was that black book.”
    “Gotcha. So he found the book, gave it a try, and, low and behold, it’s the real deal,” I said, finishing the story in my mind.
    “More or less. Apparently, you also have to have the talent for the magic to work, which Neil has, and he tried a few times before he brought me back. But yeah, one day my eyes popped open, and I’m underground. Crawl my way out, and there’s my best friend, cackling like a mental patient and