Free A Vow to Cherish by Deborah Raney Page A

least it’s not any of the other things they tested you for, so they think that’s what it has to be.”
    Calmly, as though it were a relief to finally have a name for this intruder, she sighed. “I thought that’s what you were going to tell me.”
    In her moments of clarity, Ellen had been researching, too. John knew she had tried not to look very far into her future, but words like dementia and, yes, even Alzheimer’s, must have danced disturbingly through her mind in the past weeks and months as she’d leafed through health magazines and searched the Internet.
    “John?” Her voice sounded strangely serene. “How long do I have?”
    “They don’t know, Ellen. There’s no way of knowing. And there are promising new drugs that might help. We’ll get the prescription filled tonight that Dr. Gallia gave us and get you started on it right away and—”
    She put her hands on either side of his face. “I want the truth, John.”
    Oddly, she’d never seemed so sane, so much herself. He sighed. He wouldn’t play games with her. She deserved the truth. “Things will probably get…they will get progressively worse. We can’t know how quickly that will happen, or…how long you have.” He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what the doctor had said: five years, ten years, possibly fifteen. But those extra years would be no blessing.
    Ellen began to cry. With tears streaming down her face, her voice quivering, she wailed, “Oh, John! I’m so sorry. I didn’t want it to happen this way. I always pictured us growing old together…enjoying our grandchildren…and even great-grandchildren.” She gave a little gasp. “Oh, the kids…how will we tell the kids, John?”
    He opened his mouth to answer, but she spoke first. “I guess they already know something’s wrong with me, as crazy as I’ve been acting lately.” She breathed out a harsh chuckle. “It’s funny, but it’s kind of nice to know I’m not losing my marbles…well, I am, but at least I have an excuse.”
    She was more lucid than John had seen her in weeks. He felt an urgent need to tell her all the things he loved about her. But how did you tell someone that they are life itself to you? How did you say goodbye when there is no leave-taking? Yet they might not have another time to say goodbye. There might not be another day when she would understand his words of love. And so he ventured to speak what was beyond words.
    He led her to the darkened living room and laid a fire in the fireplace while she watched in silence. She sat down on the sofa, but John sat on the floor in front of the hearth and pulled her onto his lap.
    “Ellen…” His voice faltered. He stroked her temple and traced the lines that so many years of smiles had etched on her face. “Ellen, I love you with all my heart. I never knew a man could be so happy and so utterly content until I met you. Do you know how happy you make me, El? You mean everything to me… everything. ”
    He stopped, not trusting his voice. But the need to spill everything that was in his heart persisted, and he went on. “I don’t know what this is we’re facing now, but if it means losing you I’m not sure how I’ll go on. Whatever happens, El, I don’t want you to be afraid of anything. No matter how awful it might get, I’ll be here for you. We’ll…”
    He started to say, “We’ll beat this thing,” but he knew better, and he knew that she knew better. He wanted to keep things honest between them. They had never kept secrets from each other. “We’ll get through this,” he said finally. “Somehow, we’ll get through it.”
    She reached up to press her palm to his cheek. “Oh, John, if I died tomorrow, I’d have no regrets.” Her voice was beautiful in his ear—low and husky and familiar.
    A glint of fear came to her eyes and the corners of her mouth turned down. “But…I’m afraid of living beyond tomorrow…. Oh, John. I’m going to be such a burden to you and the kids.