Free Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) by Zoey Derrick Page A

 
    I do and watch as he scoops a good size piece onto my plate before handing it back to me. “You really didn’t have to do all this,” I tell him honestly.  
    He looks at me while he picks up his own plate. “Yeah, I did. I owe you an explanation and it’s not going to be a pretty one. I figured I’d feed you and get you drunk before I tell you everything.”  
    “Everything,” I breathe.  
    Our eyes meet, sincerity radiates from him in waves. “Everything,” he whispers.

HE'S right, dinner was probably over the top, but I needed to find a way to put him into an agreeable mood. Alcohol is best served on a full stomach and him knowing that I cooked for him might help him see past what I'm about to tell him.  
    "Jesus, Cal, this is fantastic," he praises and I smile at him.  
    "I'm glad you like it. It's one of the only things I know how to do well."  
    He blushes slightly before taking another bite. Watching him eat is the kind of thing that would turn me on if that were possible. I've always found food to be arousing, but in true Calvin's dick like fashion, he sits softly inside my jeans. The disgust that makes me feel causes my whole body to lock down momentarily, but Eric is too engrossed in the food in front of him and he doesn't notice. I fight the churn of my stomach by focusing on my food.  
    I want him drunk, but rationally drunk. I know that sounds bad, but Eric on alcohol is a true Eric. His honesty is brutal and real and I need that tonight. I need to know what he's thinking and alcohol takes away his filter.  
    "You wanted to talk?" he says between bites.  
    "After we eat," I tell him before taking a big gulp of scotch.  
    "Why can't we start now?" His voice is soft and unsure. "I don't like this awkward silence between us."  
    I frown. "It's not intentional, I promise."  
    His eyes are sad when they meet mine. "I know, I guess I just wish we could go back to the way things were between us."  
    My heart breaks a little. "How so?" I swallow.  
    "Before this wedge was driven between us, before we…before you decided to tell me off in Orlando."  
    I set my fork down. "I told you off in Orlando because I wanted you to be free. Free of me, free of how you feel about me."  
    "Because you can't be with me?" he asks.  
    "Exactly. It's not fair for you to keep hanging on to me when there will never be an ‘us'." I gesture between us.  
    He sets his fork down and quickly picks up his glass of scotch and downs it in a single gulp. "Is that why you brought me here tonight? To remind me that we can't be anything more than what we are?" He stands up, grabbing his glass.  
    "No, I brought you here tonight so that I can explain to you why we can't be together." I follow him with my eyes as he goes to the counter behind me. "Can you please finish eating? Then we will talk, Eric, I promise."  
    I hear his glass click with the decanter and the liquid pouring sounds a million times louder than it should be. I hear him sigh behind me and I turn. His hands are on the counter and his head is down. His pain is evident and my heart twists. I stand up and reach out for him. "Please don't," he whispers, "I don't want your comfort right now." He raises his head and our eyes meet. "I want answers. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way."  
    "What, about answers?"  
    "No, about being together."  
    "You're right, Eric, you're not the only one that feels this way," I tell him softly. "Please, finish eating."  
    "I'm full." I look at his plate, it's nearly empty, but I know he can put away way more than that. I decide not to press it.  
    "Help me clean up?" I ask and he nods, before taking a large pull of scotch and setting the glass down.  

    Moving around the kitchen, cleaning up, rinsing and loading the dishwasher starts to feel all too natural to me as we set about the task of cleaning up. Something we've certainly done before, but since New York, it takes on a whole new meaning. Since he tried