Free Toward the Sound of Chaos by Carmen Jenner

towel, and we’ll talk.”
    “I
don’t wanna talk. I just want to be near you.”
    “Alright,”
she says softly. She reaches over and closes her front door. The wind howls
against it and I curl into myself, all the while keeping a tight grip on her
ankle. “Where’s Nuke, honey?”
    “I
had to lock him in the bathroom.”
    “Why?”
    “I’m
having all kinds of thoughts, angel,” I whisper. “All kinds of thoughts.”
    She
smooths a cool hand over my fevered forehead. I flinch, but she continues to
touch me, seemingly unafraid of what I might do. “About what, Jake?”
    “About
you and Spence. About me and how I shouldn’t be here.”
    “How
you shouldn’t be here in my house? Or how you shouldn’t be here at all?”
    “I
can’t breathe. That house is so damn quiet, and yet all I can hear are the
screams. Their screams.”
    Her
hand stills against my hair. “Whose screams?”
    “They
did inhumane things to us, Elle. I could have lived through all that, I coulda
never broken, but I couldn’t handle the screams or the silence that followed
the gunshots. That’s the shit that eats away at me from the inside out. The
torture was nothing compared to waking up every day knowing you could end it
all if only you had the guts to pull the trigger.”
    She
shifts closer and pulls my head into her lap. “Shh. You’re safe now. You’re
home.”
     Tears
run down her cheeks but she pays them no mind. She just continues to stroke my
forehead. Her fingertips trace the creases at the corners of my eyes, over my
cheeks, and along the line of my jaw. I don’t pull away from her. Instead, I
close my eyes and settle into her touch, allowing her to share a little of the
pain that burdens me. I know it’s selfish. She has pain enough of her own; I
can see it in her eyes. It’s not fair of me to ask her to bear more. This woman
isn’t even mine. I haven’t even kissed her yet. I won’t take that next step
with her because she deserves better.
    She
deserves a real man. One who can protect her, not one who shows up at her door
in the middle of the night, drunk and falling apart in front of her. Not one who’s
ugly inside and out, who won’t take her and worship every inch of her beautiful
body because he’s sick at the sight of his own. She deserves a man who’ll take
care of her, who can give her and Spencer everything, enrich their lives and be
present and supportive at the end of a long day, and I can’t be that man
because I’m broken.
     I
gave everything I had to the Corps, and when I came back from that desert
alone, scarred and forced to bear the evidence of their hatred of us upon my
flesh forever, there wasn’t even a slither of the old Jake Tucker left over.
    I
got nothin’ left to give, and Ellie Mason, this angel who walked into my life
and turned it upside down, this woman who saves me every single day and doesn’t
even know it, she deserves everything.
    And
I am nothing.

Chapter Twelve
    Ellie
    “ M amma,
wake up.”
    I
open my eyes and see Spencer’s boring into mine again. For a moment I think I’m
still dreamin’ or I have a serious case of déjà vu, because I feel as if I’ve
lived this moment before. “Mamma, Jake Tucker’s sleepin’ on our couch.”
    Well,
maybe not this exact same moment .
    I
shoot up out of bed and throw on my robe. I’d meant to wake Jake early so he
could leave before Spencer knew he was even here. Major parenting fail, because
now my eight-year-old looks like Christmas has come early this year.
    “Why
is Jake Tucker on our couch?” he demands, following me into the bathroom where
I pee, wash my hands and brush my teeth as if a tornado’s chasing me.
    “Because
he came over late last night.”
    “Why?
That’s not the same,” Spencer says. He doesn’t get angry or annoyed about it,
he’s just stating the obvious, trying to sort it in his head.
    “He
needed a friend to talk to.”
    “Well
why didn’t y’all wake me?”
    I
smile at my son. “I guess