Free Undertow by Leigh Talbert Moore Page B

going to know I did this on purpose.”
    “How would he know? You’re being paranoid. Just act very surprised, maybe throw in a little shock, and say you have no idea how it happened. Blame Mexico and all the antibiotics you were taking.”
    “It’s not going to work,” I said, trying to focus on the road. “He knows I wasn’t taking antibiotics. And we had a fight. I practically threatened him.”
    “What?” I heard her frown.
    “After you visited that day. I kept stewing about what you’d said, and we ended up having the biggest fight later on. I said I wanted a baby, and he said he’d be disappointed if I turned up pregnant… Oh, Lexy!”
    “You never told me—”
    “I know!” I cried, walking fast into the cottage. “He’s going to know I did it on purpose.”
    “Now stop. Just stop, stop, stop. We’re talking about a baby here.”
    “Babies!” I cried, throwing my purse on the counter and dropping into a chair.
    “Well, still. It’s not like you got caught with another man. This is a good thing!”
    “I need you to be here when I tell him.”
    “No.” I could tell she was shaking her head. “I can’t do that. This is not my business.”
    “It most certainly is! This was all your idea.”
    “Meg! Stop saying that!” she cried. “I didn’t mean for you to actually do it!”
    “Then why did you say it?”
    “I don’t know! You were sad! I wanted to make you happy! I would’ve dressed up like Big Bird if that would’ve made you smile.”
    “Please come over,” I pleaded, holding my face in my hand. “Just come over to see Will, and I’ll tell him when you’re in the other room. I just need you to be here in case he loses it.”
    “Bill would never hurt you, especially not if you’re pregnant.”
    “I know, but I’m scared. I need moral support, and you’re so brave.”
    She exhaled loudly into the phone. “Okay. What time?”
    It was a huge relief Lexy was coming. I decided to stop off at La Belle Monde and have a massage on the way to pick up Will. Since I’d talked to that doctor, I’d been completely clenched.
    In the beginning, I’d felt a twinge of guilt for deceiving Billy with the pills and all, but I was convinced once he saw his new little son or daughter, all would be forgiven. Now that he’d been working so hard to be home and spending time with us, I wasn’t so sure. And I’d never expected to hit the jackpot.
    Twins.
     
    April 23, 19--
    Time is supposed to be some great healer, but I think it’s all a lie.
    I hate time.
    Time is my enemy.
    It’s a great, shapeless blob that expands and contracts depending on who’s controlling it.
    I have to figure out what to do with it every day. When I’m not looking, it’s this sneaky presence that creeps in and says I’m getting older, and all my dreams are passing me by. Or it’s this empty space. This big empty space filled with nothing.
    No one ever has any of it to give me, but I’ve always had more than my share to spend. And if I had all the time I’ve spent alone in my life, maybe I could use it to go back and start over and do everything differently.
    Billy is so mad at me. He’s almost completely stopped coming home. I haven’t seen him in two weeks.
    I can tell he’s been here to get clothes, and I can see he’s showered. But he never sleeps here. It’s like we’re separated, but somebody forgot to send me the notice. Do you even get a notice when you’re separated or is it something that just happens? I tried calling him once, but he would only answer my questions with Yes or No, and after listening to the hum of silence, I said goodbye.
    How could what I’ve done be so bad? I can’t believe he’s so unhappy about having twins. I should be the one freaking out, but instead it’s him. He says it’s not about the babies, that he loves his children. He says it’s because I lied. I deceived him.
    I don’t really get that, because when you’re married and you sleep together, you could