Free Fashionably Dead Down Under by Robyn Peterman

her, I had to agree
with Lust. Amanda was gross. The crowd eyed the consort with
distrust. The applause continued, but there was much speculative
whispering. She moved to Satan and put her arms around him, trying
to establish ownership, but apparently that was a little premature
for one who had not yet borne him a child. My uncle peeled her off
and walked away, leaving her humiliated and alone.
    “Is this how it was when I was conceived?”
Dixie asked her sisters.
    “No, we didn’t know anything about you till
Daddy brought you to Hell when you were three years old.”
    “Where was I for my first three years?”
    “Probably with your imaginary friend.” Lust
laughed at her cruel joke.
    “Why don’t you leave her alone,” I snapped.
I’d had just about enough of her and her shitty attitude. Dixie had
just learned something shocking she never knew before.
    “Why don’t you make me,” she shot back. Her
eyes turned red and dark magic seeped out of her. I knew my own
eyes turned green and I itched to take her out.
    “My pleasure.” I stepped toward her.
    “While I’d love to see Astrid kick your
skinny ass,” Wrath grinned, “now is not the time or place.”
    We both backed off, but this was far from
over.
    “We don’t know where you were,” Greed told
Dixie, ignoring the fact that a girl fight had just been averted.
“But we’re happy you’re ours.”
    “I wonder if Amanda got the memo that once
you bear Satan’s child that he kicks your ass to the curb.” Pride
muttered and straightened her immaculate hair.
    “Clearly big fake lipped and fake boobed
Amanda doesn’t think that applies to her since she plans to blow
out a boy,” Wrath said thoughtfully.
    “You do realize that her Sexy Pet name is
Donkey Nipples,” Envy grunted, trying not to laugh. I bit down on
my lip and held my own laughter in. I suppose it was good they were
funny considering they were as dangerous as all get out.
    “Yes, that had occurred to me.” Greed giggled
and high fived her sister. “I dare you to call her that,” she
challenged.
    “I’ll do it,” I said with pure immature
bravado, imagining the horrified look on Amanda’s face. “Wait . . .
can I get killed for that?”
    “No,” Wrath said. “You are a guest. We don’t
have guests killed very often.”
    “Good to know,” I mumbled and wondered why I
offered to put my head on the chopping block. Did I want them to
like me? Was I so desperate for a family that I would risk my life
to make them laugh . . . Apparently yes. I needed to get out of
here. I had a much nicer, if slightly unstable family on Earth.
    “Holy shit,” Gluttony gasped. It was the
first time I heard her speak and it was like music. “Did you
realize that the main characters in Sponge Bob Square Pants were
based on us?” She was of course on Facebook. The sheer irony
. . .
    “Who am I? Patrick?” Sloth asked with a huge
grin.
    “Yep,” Gluttony told her. “And I’m Gary.”
    “Am I Plankton?” Wrath asked.
    “Nope, you’re Squidward. Greed is Mr. Crabs,
Envy is Plankton, Pride is Sandy and Lust is Sponge Bob,” Gluttony
sputtered.
    “How in the living Hell am I Sponge Bob?”
Lust demanded. “There isn’t one sexy thing about Sponge Bob.”
    “Don’t know, sexy pants, but that’s what
Facebook says, so it’s true.”
    “Bullshit,” Lust griped. “Facebook
sucks.”
    “Quiet, Daddy’s not finished dropping bombs.”
Envy shushed her sisters.
    “He’s losing his fucking mind,” Wrath hissed
with disgust.
    “I couldn’t agree more,” Lust added.
    Were they serious? Was Lucifer insane? If he
was, what did that mean for me? Would I ever get out of Hell if
he’d lost his marbles? Shitshitdamnshit. I moved stealthily behind
Wrath and Lust just in case they had anymore nuggets of wisdom to
impart. I needed to be armed with everything and anything I could
learn.
    “Another reason I have called you here
tonight is to celebrate my beautiful daughter Dixie.”
    The