Free The Private Affairs Of Lady Jane Fielding by Viveka Portman Page B

meal continued, as did a game of cards in the sitting room after.
    By the time I had finished my cup of tea, I was veritably weak with nerves. My sex felt swollen between my legs as if it wished to remind me of what I was about to do. It pulsed, ready and, dare I say, willing me into action.
    I coughed to gain the gentlemen’s attention, though I hardly needed to do so.
    ‘I…’ I coughed, again this time with nervousness. ‘I shall retire for the evening, gentlemen.’ I glanced over at Bolton, in the hope he was not being attentive to our conversation. ‘I shall have Esther assist me and then…’ I choked and my hands fluttered to my mouth. ‘I…’ I could not finish, my cheeks were aflame. ‘Good evening, husband.’ I swept over to him and kissed him gently on the lips. ‘I love you,’ I whispered in his ear as I moved away.
    ‘Matthew.’ I inclined my head and offered him a slight curtsey before fleeing the room.
    ***
    By the time I reached my rooms, I was verily glowing with perspiration. I rang for Esther immediately. I ardently hoped that Bolton hadn’t found my manner strange. The last thing I wished for was scandal amongst the servants.
    As if to perpetuate the thought, Esther’s voice broke my musing. ‘Milady, whatever is the matter?’
    She was peering at me curiously and I felt the glow renew.
    ‘I am quite fine, thank you, just most tired.’
    She seemed to accept that, and helped me out of my gown and assisted me in a light sponge bath to cool my skin.
    As the sponge slid over my skin, I felt my breasts tighten and my loins clench.
    Matthew was coming . What would he think of me? How would intercourse with another man feel?
    As Esther slipped my cotton nightdress over my head and drew the string around my neck, I found my heartbeat increase.
    Should I have disrobed for Matthew? What did he expect?
    ‘Would you like me to extinguish the candles?’ Esther asked as I crawled into the bed.
    ‘No, I shall. Goodnight, Esther.’
    ‘Goodnight, Milady,’ she replied with a slight frown. ‘Are you sure you’re well?’
    ‘I am well, thank you, do not concern yourself,’ I replied, and with a cautious nod she slipped out the door.
    I was alone, but suddenly could not stand to be abed. As I lay, my body verily pulsed with nervousness. So, for a time I paced my room.
    What if Matthew did not come? What if he was the one who found it too terrible to complete? Would he?
    Lord, what a terrible fix this was.
    I was utterly plagued with doubts. So much so that I went to my sideboard and poured myself a glass of wine from the decanter there, to try and still my nerves. Hours seemed to pass, or perhaps it was minutes, but I returned to the bed. I lay there, staring at the candles as they flickered in unseen and unfelt drafts. It seemed an age of anxious waiting until the door to my rooms creaked, and a shadowy figure entered.
    ‘Matthew?’ I whispered, for at this distance I could not tell the difference between him and my own husband.
    ‘Yes,’ came his deep response.
    ‘Oh.’ I sat up in the bed, peering through the darkness beyond the candlelight. He was still dressed for dinner, though his jacket had been removed.
    My heart beat traitorously loud; I was certain he must hear it. He stepped closer, and within a moment his face was illuminated by the candle. My breath caught in my throat — he was so similar to Jacob but so different as well. His jaw was sharply angled and his eyes shadowed by his brow.
    We were completely silent. What could I say?
    It seemed that we stayed hesitating for an age before he moved even closer to the bed, like a horse shy of its master.
    ‘Shall I assist in the removal of your boots?’ I asked.
    Matthew looked startled, and licked his lower lip. ‘Ah, no, I am quite capable, my thanks.’ He sank down onto the side of the bed, and I watched curiously as his large hands unlaced his boots and his stockinged feet touched the hard floors.
    ‘Are you…’ I began