Free This Is What I Want to Tell You by Heather Duffy Stone

come over sometime?
    Do you want me to? I asked him.
    Yeah, he said. It sounded like he was yawning. Yeah, come over tonight. Come to this party with me.
    When I hung up I could feel my heart in my throat. I went home and took a shower. I put on jeans and black boots and a tank top I usually slept in. It was trimmed in lace. The skin of my chest glared white through the trim. I pulled my hair up into a bun and drew black eyeliner around the rims of my eyes. Look at you all Cleopatra, he had said to me once. That was all I needed. I made sure everything I wore drew out the black in my hair and my eyes, drew out anything that made him compare me to a queen. I just wanted him to say it again.
    He was in the shower when I got there. I sat down at the kitchen table and my hands and breaths were shaking. I tapped my feet to do something on purpose. I stared at the joint he’d left in the ashtray. I didn’t feel bold enough to smoke it. I took deep breaths. Finally I leaned toward the table, listening closely to the rushing sound of water, the hissing of pipes from the bathroom. I snuck two quick hits. I placed the joint carefully at just the angle he’d left it, fanning at the smoke that sat in the air. I breathed in and out. By the time he came out, his jeans hanging just below his hipbones, pulling a T-shirt over his head, I felt high and sleepy.
    I shivered at the sight of him.
    Hey, you, he said.
    He leaned over to kiss me, slipping his hand inside my shirt.
    I like this shirt, he said.
    I missed you, I whispered. I didn’t mean to say it out loud.
    Yeah? He pulled me out of the chair.
    Let’s go, he said.
    Really?
    You wanna go places. Let’s go to this party.
    He held my hand as we walked down the stairs and the whole way to the party, but it was still like I wasn’t even there. His hand felt cold and he barely talked the whole way. The party was at the same house where he first kissed me, only there were way less people there. Right away when we walked in he looked around, nervous. He kissed the top of my head.
    I’ll be around, okay? I’ll find you.
    I felt paralyzed. I stood alone in the hallway for a minute. I didn’t belong here. Should I leave? Why did he even bring me? My mouth felt dry and I wanted to sit down. I walked down the hallway, past a couple whispering in a doorway. They didn’t even look at me. See, I thought. They don’t care. No one even notices I’m here.
    I didn’t know if that made me feel better or worse.
    I was standing in the kitchen.
    The skeleton girl with red boots was standing at the sink. She was holding an empty glass and smoking a cigarette. She was still wearing the red boots, and some kind of short black dress with a thick belt cinched around her waist. In the kitchen light she looked less like a skeleton and more like a tired model with delicate narrow wrists and puffy eyes and bright red lips. Her nails were painted dark purple—like perfect moons. I thought her nail polish would be chipped. It wasn’t. It was flawless.
    Hi, I said.
    She looked up at me. She looked down at her glass.
    Do you want some whiskey?
    Okay.
    She turned around and pulled another glass down from the cabinet. She poured whiskey into both glasses and handed me one. The glass had a film of dust around it. I took a sip and my throat stung. I took another sip.
    Do you live here? I asked the girl.
    Sometimes.
    I’m Noelle. I held out my hand. She held it limply.
    Dana.
    We stood there for a while. She smoked. I looked at my glass.
    You’re with Parker? she finally said.
    I didn’t know what to say. It occurred to me that he might not say yes if someone asked him if he were with me. In fact, he probably wouldn’t say anything.
    Sort of.
    Dana looked down at her glass. She smiled. I was kind of surprised to see her smile. It made her seem more something. More human.
    One can only ever sort of be with Parker.
    I remembered her staring at me the first night. Suddenly my skin felt cold.
    What do you