Free First There Was Forever by Juliana Romano Page A

listening to you talk about your family is making me think about how hard it is to know what it would feel like to be in someone else’s family. Or even just to, like, have someone else’s life for a day.”
    “That’s not dumb at all,” Nate said.
    I felt good knowing that he understood.
    “You think a lot,” he continued.
    “I think too much,” I replied quickly.
    “I do, too,” he said. “I try not to. When I’m thinking too much, I try and do something that will just get me out of my head. Just, like . . . whatever.”
    “Like what?” I asked.
    “Like, I don’t know. Whatever. Ride my bike. Listen to loud music. I just hate getting stuck in my head.”
    “Me too,” I said.
    Nate ran his finger through one of the grooves in the picnic table. The wood was old and waxy. My eyes followed his hand as it moved slowly across the table toward me. When he stopped, my eyes flicked up from his hand and we looked at each other.

chapter

twenty-three

    “A re you going to invite Hailey over for Thanksgiving?” Mom asked on the way to school a few days later.
    Hearing Mom mention Hailey’s name punctured my sense of calm.
    “She’s seeing her dad,” I lied. I stared out the window at a thin, sharp streak of white cloud. It looked like a crack in the smooth, glossy blue sky.
    The truth was that I had no idea what Hailey was doing for Thanksgiving because we had barely spoken since Halloween. The past two Saturday nights I’d gone to Meredith’s house and hadn’t even checked in with Hailey.
    I liked Meredith. She always invited me over with a plan. “Teach me to bake a pie this weekend,” she said one Friday. And the following week, she said she wanted me to help her write lyrics to a song. But Meredith was easily distracted, and both times we just ended up listening to music and playing with her cat. Still, it was more fun than trying to tag along with Hailey and Skyler.
    “Really?” Mom exclaimed. “That’s good to hear. I feel bad for her that they don’t have much of a relationship. I know what it’s like to not have a dad around when you’re young.”
    Mom’s dad died when she was ten. I never knew what to say when she brought it up.
    “Does Hailey talk about her dad a lot?” she asked.
    “Not really,” I said.
    Someone in the car behind us honked. I bit my nails.
    “Stop that,” Mom said, reaching across the center console and lightly pushing my hand back into my lap.
    • • •
    That afternoon was Clean the Bay. I sat in the second row of the bus and pretended to study my chem notes.
    “Hey,” Hailey said. “Can I sit here?”
    I looked up at her. It was weird that she even had to ask. Our whole lives she had never once asked if she could sit next to me. It was like we were becoming half strangers, half friends. It’s one thing, I thought, to get to know someone. It’s another to get to un-know them.
    “Of course,” I said.
    As soon as she sat down, she rested her head on my shoulder.
    I stiffened.
    “You’re the best,” she said, out of nowhere.
    I stalled, trying to figure out what to say, how to angle myself in response to Hailey’s sudden affection. I felt stingy for not wanting to reciprocate.
    Hailey’s hand shot up to her face, and I heard her snivel as she wiped her nose with the palm of her hand. It was a really disgusting habit that she’d had since she was a kid.
    “Are you crying?” I asked, pulling away from her so I could see her face.
    She opened her eyes really wide, looking not at me but past the window, and two fresh tears pooled in her eyes.
    “What’s wrong?”
    “Nothing,” she said, wiping her face. She let her eyes meet mine. “I’m just getting my period. I’m bloated. And stupid.”
    I rolled my eyes. “No, you’re not.”
    “I’m gonna grow up and be fat and single, just like my mean, single, evil mom,” she said. “You’re so lucky that your mom is so cool.”
    “She’s still a mom,” I said, not sure what to say. “She