Free First There Was Forever by Juliana Romano

own skin, adjusting his tie, shirt, and pants. “My mom makes me dress nice on days when I meet with Rick.”
    I giggled.
    “I guess she wants me to look more like a rule follower,” he said.
    I tried not to laugh anymore. I was almost embarrassed by how much fun I was having, just sitting here next to Nate. I sucked hard on my slushie straw.
    “You really like that drink, huh?” he said.
    “It’s so good,” I said. “It’s the best flavor I’ve ever had.”
    He looked at me, and his eyes moved over my face slowly. “Your lips are blue,” he said.
    I sucked my lips between my teeth.
    A car pulled up at one of the pumps, and we both watched as a short man in a Hawaiian shirt got out and filled up his tank. I don’t know what Nate was thinking about, and I didn’t really know what I was thinking about either, but somehow the silence felt velvety and warm.
    “Do you drive?” I asked.
    Nate nodded. “Yeah. I’m old for the grade. I turned sixteen last summer. My stepdad borrowed my car today though, ’cause his is in the shop. Do you drive?”
    “No,” I said. “I’m still fifteen. I haven’t even started driver’s ed.”
    He nodded. And then he sunk down onto the bench and let his head knock back, as if he was soaking up the sun. I stared at him, just taking it all in—the bony bump on his nose, the color in his cheeks, the faint freckles, the perfect symmetry of his mouth, the way his skin got just a tiny bit rough as it got closer to his neck. The top button of his shirt was unbuttoned, and his collarbone protruded a little. I felt an urge to see his whole shirt unbuttoned, to know the shapes of all of the parts of his body. The thought made me feel ashamed, and not just because of what a terrible friend I was being to Hailey for thinking those things.
    When I finished my drink, I tossed it in the trash and we walked back to campus. The late-afternoon light cut sideways across us, casting long shadows on the asphalt. Nate told me he was going to take the bus home, but then instead of leaving, he just walked back to the picnic bench behind the administration building and sat down.
    I’m not really sure if he was following me or if I was following him, but it felt natural. We sat across the picnic table from each other. I leaned forward, propped my elbows on the table, and rested my chin in my hands. A bright purple petal fell off the tree over our heads and the sunlight hit it so directly, it looked like it was on fire.
    “I have a sugar high,” I said.
    He smiled. “Are you sure you’re almost sixteen? You seem like you’re about twelve right now.”
    He looked right at me and my stomach dropped. His eyes seemed to swallow me up. Suddenly, my mind flashed on Hailey, and I instinctively withdrew to my side of the table.
    “Do you feel older than you did a year ago?” he continued, like he didn’t even notice my movement.
    “I don’t know,” I said. “Do you?”
    “Sometimes,” he said. “Sometimes I feel ancient.”
    “Like when?” I asked.
    He frowned and looked off far into space. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I have to stand up for my sister ’cause my stepdad is kind of a dick. And that always makes me feel old, even though I’m younger than her. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
    “I think so,” I said. And then I added, “Why is your stepdad a dick? Or not why, but, like, how?”
    Nate ran his hand over his face and forehead.
    “You know what?” he said. “He’s not a dick. He’s just kind of a control freak.”
    “What does that mean?” I asked.
    “You ask a lot of questions,” Nate said.
    “Sorry,” I said, dropping my gaze.
    “No, it’s good,” he said. “It makes me think about what I’m saying.”
    I blushed.
    “He’s a control freak ’cause he’s just, like, closed-minded. Like he thinks things should always be only one way. And happen at a certain time in a certain way,” he said.
    “Maybe this sounds dumb or obvious,” I said, “but