Free Blood & Rust (Lock & Key #4) by Cat Porter

we were together for that short time—forgetting that she was working me for Jump—it didn’t click for us. I’d thought it would be a natural fit, but we were trying too hard. Then again, I was high for most of it.”
    “You didn’t want to fight for her?”
    The edges of his lips turned up. “I started to, but then I realized I needed to learn to fight for myself first.”
    My spine straightened. “Yes. Exactly! I couldn’t agree more.”
    “I’d made enough of an ass of myself,” Butler continued. “She and Lock were strung out on each other the whole time anyhow, and it was cutting them deep. You can’t fuck with that. That would be a real sin. My pride got bucked, but I survived.”
    “Yep, you survived. Yet again.” I went back to my food.
    He stared at me. “Did you ever tell Grace about you and me?”
    I pushed the potatoes to the side of my dish with my fork. “No.”
    “Really? I thought girls told each other all about that shit.”
    “Well, sometimes, we girls refrain from confessing inappropriate behavior that might disappoint or upset our besties.”
    “Inappropriate, I like. Disappoint? That, I don’t like. I think you got that backward, honey.”
    “Don’t honey me. And that’s not what I meant. You boys always have your minds on one thing.”
    “Which thing is that?”
    “How big and hard your cocks are.”
    “As if women don’t have our big, hard cocks on their minds.”
    I chuckled. “Oh all right. I’ll give you that.” Guilty as charged. “What I meant was, I knew Grace liked you, and I didn’t want her to think that, on her wedding day, I was trying to be some sort of backstabbing evil bitch, grabbing at her spoils, trying to make some kind of point.”
    “Were you? Just a little bit?”
    “No, I wasn’t. Grace and I never competed for guys, never crushed on the same ones. Sorry to let you down, but it wasn’t about you either.”
    “Then, what was it?”
    I let out a small breath. “I felt uncomfortable at her wedding. She was moving on, and I wasn’t. She was doing something she really wanted; she had achieved a dream. I just graduated college—had done really well, too—but I still wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life. I was in limbo. I didn’t have many job prospects or a sense of purpose. Grace did though. She and Dig were flying. I felt stuck in the mud and left behind. Sounds stupid and immature, but—”
    “No, it doesn’t. Emotions are what they are. You can’t help it.”
    “I was really proud of Grace. Really proud. Despite me, my mom, even her sister getting pissed at her over staying with the club and wanting to marry Dig, she did it. A life with Dig at all costs had become her new dream, and she went for it. I only felt buried under all my expectations for myself, my mom’s expectations.”
    “So, at the wedding, you were letting your hair down with me?” He grinned, as if he were watching a replay of our hook-up with a new fascination.
    “I guess so. I was frustrated with myself, my life. I wanted to slap myself in the face.”
    “I don’t remember slapping you in the face. I do remember slapping you on the—”
    “Shut up!”
    He laughed a rich, throaty, unpretentious laugh that only made me laugh, too.
    “Butler, I’m quite sure I was a minor blip on your screen.”
    “You want me to lie?”
    “No, I don’t.”
    His head slanted. “Yeah, you were a blip. A blip I wanted to forget. That was a long fucking time ago. We were so fucking young then.”
    “Yes, now, we’re so fucking old.” I rolled my eyes.
    Grace and I were forty-three now, Butler was only a couple of years older.
    “Jesus, she’s laughing. Most women would punch me, slap me, tell me to fuck off for saying that.”
    “Nope, I like your honesty, Butler. Actually, I expected you to say something flip or charming to weasel your way out of this awkward moment.”
    “Oh, yeah? Like what?”
    “Let’s see…how about, Oh no, babe. You were fucking