Free Pretty and Reckless by Charity Ferrell

because I never had a man care about me.
    But I couldn’t hold that against them. I knew what they were doing because I was playing the same game. I didn’t take names. I didn’t keep business cards. I threw them out with the next day’s trash. I didn’t want their fraudulent dinners or their lies of affection. I wanted them to take my mind away temporarily, give me my control, and then I discarded them. I was just as bad as they were.
    “Wow, you sure do have a negative outlook on love,” he said, pushing his sleeve up his arms. “Don’t you think that’s wrong?”
    I shrugged, popping a bite of bagel in my mouth. “Not really. Look at you, you don’t have a girlfriend, but I’m sure you’ve banged a few people. You know how enjoyable sex is.”
    “Yes, I’m well aware that sex can be enjoyable,” he said, failing to hold back a smile.
    I grinned, interest feigning my mind. “Does my doctor have a kinky side?” I asked, waiting anxiously for his answer. I went back to thinking about having sex with him. Was he a missionary kind of guy or did he study his partner to fuck them properly? The guy fucked with people’s minds for a living, I was sure he’d fuck a woman properly. And why was I constantly thinking about him fucking me?
    He cleared his throat. “Talking about my sex life isn’t why we’re here,” he said, bursting my bubble. “Let’s stay on topic.”
    I crossed my arms across my chest, slightly leaning forward to give him a good view of my cleavage. “But talking about yours sounds like a lot more fun.”
    “No, I don’t fuck random people for fun,” he said, his voice flat. “Not everyone sees sex as a game.”
    I took a deep breath. I knew where he was going with this, and I just needed to get it over with. “I don’t fuck people for fun, either.”
    “But that’s just what you were saying.”
    “I said other people fuck for fun. I fuck people for supremacy,” I clarified. “I fuck them for power and control.”
    His eyebrows squeezed together. “Huh? Why? That doesn’t make any sense.”  
    “I told you why three years ago.”
    “I know, but …”
    I clenched my jaw as my muscles jumped underneath my skin. “I was raped, Weston. Raped. If you don’t believe me, that’s fine. I honestly don’t care who doesn’t believe me, anymore. I’ve moved on from it. But you’re wrong about me using sex or alcohol to numb myself or doing it for fun. I don’t use it to forget what happened to me because I could never forget what happened to me, even with all of the sex and alcohol in the world. I’m not a victim anymore, I’m a survivor, and that’s what I use sex for.”
    I didn’t mind being known as the overtly sexual girl. I wasn’t embarrassed about that part of my life. It was the other part that I was terrified of talking about. The secret buried deep in the pit of my soul, tucked away, and had only come out a few times. I didn’t want to be a victim and I’d hide behind a bad reputation to make sure that didn’t happen.
    His shoulders went straight, his eyes flashing with surprise. He wasn’t expecting me to say that. He wanted to take it slow and ease into talking about it.
    “And that’s why I have sex with all of those men,” I said, correcting him.
    “So you have sex because you were raped?” Wes asked, baffled.   “And it makes you feel in control?”
      “Exactly.” The confusion didn’t leave his face. “Some people break down and cry after being violated. Some people get angry. Some take charge and don’t allow it keep them down. I decided to do the third one. I didn’t want to be the broken girl. That would mean they’ve won. I’ve had too much taken away from me. I wasn’t giving them that satisfaction. I don’t get sad when I think about what those guys did to me. I get angry. I get pissed off and I want to do anything to get my power back. Murder would’ve been my first option, but obviously that would put me in prison, so I