Free Mechanical Failure by Joe Zieja Page A

FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. D ESK CHAIR WHEELS IMPROPERLY ROTATED . O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED .”
    â€œWhat does that even mean?”
    Sergeant Stract was scratching away on the archaic note-taking device with a pencil and following the droid as it made its rounds.
    â€œThis is stupid,” Rogers said. “This is really, really stupid.”
    The droid came to the spot on the wall where the propaganda poster had been and paused, its long, horse-like head scanning over the empty spot.
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. O UTPUT STRING: I NSUFFICIENT MORALE . O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED .”
    Sergeant Stract made a mark on the clipboard, and Rogers was about to break it over his head. All of the events of the past week were building up inside of him to the point of overflow; he found himself fantasizing about visiting tremendous violence on inanimate objects and various people he’d met since he’d come aboard the Flagship. It pushed him to the brink. It made him want to chew off the droid’s arm.
    Then he broke and did something that no self-respecting military man ever did. He pulled rank.
    â€œSergeant Stract,” Rogers said, “as your superior officer, I order you to put that damn thing away and get the hell out of my room.”
    Both the droid and the sergeant froze where they stood. Rogers grinned. He had them!
    â€œBut,” the sergeant said.
    â€œNo buts,” Rogers said, moving to stand in front of Sergeant Stract. “Get out. Right now. And never come back.”
    Sergeant Stract’s left leg twitched, as if to move. Rogers took a deep breath to bark the order a second time.
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ SMUGLY CITE REGULATION ]. A UGMENTED FUNCTION [ FRUSTRATE SUPERIOR OFFICER ]. O UTPUT STRING: M ERIDAN S TANDARDIZATION AND E VALUATION R EGULATION MR-415 STATES THAT ALL PERSONNEL ARE SUBJECT TO INSPECTION AND MUST COMPLY WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS OF THE INSPECTION STAFF IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN GOOD ORDER AND DISCIPLINE IN A MILITARY FASHION . Y OU HAVE ISSUED AN ILLEGAL ORDER .”
    Sergeant Stract stood taller behind the protective shield of his regulation-spouting “superior,” and the droid turned around to face Rogers.
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. O UTPUT STRING: I MPROPER FACIAL HAIR GROOMING . O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED . A UGMENTED FUNCTION [ VEILED INCONVENIENCE ] A N APPOINTMENT WITH C YBERMAN S ECOND C LASS BAR-BR 116 HAS BEEN SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW AT 0830 .”
    â€œGo galvanize yourself,” Rogers said. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before anyone touches my beard.”
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ REQUEST CLARIFICATION ]. T HE IMPROBABLE AMBIENT TEMPERATURE OF A FICTIONAL AFTERLIFE LOCATION DOES NOT MITIGATE YOUR VIOLATION OF REGULATIONS .”
    â€œGet out of my room!” Rogers shouted, pointing at the door. “I’m not going to stand here and be lectured on military protocol by a god-damned shiny!”
    The word rebounded off the walls through an instantaneous, tense silence. Sergeant Stract dropped the clipboard and gasped. The droids “eyes,” two hollow sockets that glowed a soft blue, flashed red for a moment. For some reason, that sent a chill down Rogers’ spine.
    â€œR EJECT FUNCTION [ PROTOCOL 162]. C ALL FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. R ACIAL SLUR, ” the droid intoned. “F IVE DEMERITS WILL BE AWARDED .” He then turned to Sergeant Stract. “T ARGET CHANGE [S ERGEANT S TRACT ]. L OSS OF MILITARY BEARING IN THE HEAT OF COMBAT . O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED . C ALL FUNCTION [ ISSUE ORDER ]. P LEASE RETRIEVE THE NOTE-TAKING DEVICE .”
    Sergeant Stract looked more mortified at receiving a demerit than at Rogers’ comment about shinies. He hurriedly stooped down and picked up the clipboard, returning to attention with a loud clicking of his boots. That didn’t prevent him from glaring at Rogers.
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ CONCLUDE