Free Mechanical Failure by Joe Zieja

with the utmost seriousness.
    â€œRight,” Rogers said. “And I was born to acknowledge radio transmissions. I’ve been in the service a long time. Inspections don’t really happen in this fleet.”
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ REPETITION AND ASSURANCE ],” the droid said—boy, this one was a talker—”O UTPUT STRING: INSPECTIONS HAPPEN ACCORDING TO A REGULAR AND REGIMENTED SCHEDULE TO WHICH ALL PERSONNEL MUST ADHERE .”
    Rogers looked at Sergeant Stract. “Do you always let droids do your talking for you?”
    The sergeant frowned. “Insults aren’t going to help you much, sir. Now, if you’ll please stand at attention in the center of your room, we can conduct the inspection.”
    â€œYeah, I’m not really into standing at attention, either,” Rogers said. “Look, I’ll just sign the bottom of your sheet, and you can mark everything as acceptable, and we can both get on with our day.”
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. O UTPUT STRING: R EFUSAL TO ABIDE BY MILITARY PROTOCOL ,” the droid said. “O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED .”
    Back in Rogers’ day, a “demerit” was a penalty in a drinkinggame that necessitated a shot of alcohol. Somehow, he didn’t think that’s what the droid was talking about.
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ISSUE ORDER]. TARGET [SERGEANT STRACT] ,” the droid said. “A SSUME CONTROL OF THE RECORDS .”
    â€œWait,” Rogers said. “The droid is leading the inspection?”
    The sergeant snapped to attention and grabbed the clipboard like a rifle with a resounding crack .
    â€œI have assumed control of the records, sir!”
    â€œDid you just call that droid sir ?”
    The sergeant glared at Rogers. “As you don’t seem to be familiar with military protocol, sir , I will explain that it is customary for us to address those who outrank us by sir or ma’am.”
    Rogers stared, dumbstruck, at Sergeant Stract as the droid began walking around the room, its metallic legs clanking against the pseudo-wood floor of the officer stateroom. Stract followed the machine in lockstep, duck-walking in the ridiculous fashion that someone, somewhere along the line had decided looked “official.” Had Stract been wearing a black-and-white outfit, Rogers would have confused him with a penguin.
    â€œNo,” Rogers said. “No, absolutely not. There’s no way this droid has a rank.”
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ DECLARE IDENTITY ]. O UTPUT STRING: I AM C YBERMAN F IRST C LASS A-155. C ALL FUNCTION [ SMUGLY CITE REGULATION ]. I N ACCORDANCE WITH THE M ERIDAN R ANK AND O RGANIZATION R EGULATION MR-613, I AM SUPERIOR TO ALL ENLISTED PERSONNEL RANKED E-5 AND BELOW . S ERGEANT S TRACT’S RANK OF SERGEANT IS E-5 IN THE M ERIDAN G ALACTIC N AVY .”
    â€œAbsolutely, sir,” the sergeant said, nodding. “An excellent reference to the regulations.”
    â€œDo the regulations say you’re supposed to kiss his ass, too?” Rogers asked. “How do you even know it’s a sir and not a ma’am? Does it have an extra pair of turbines between its legs?”
    Sergeant Stract didn’t seem to find that amusing, though hedeclined to comment. The droid wiped a gloved hand over the edge of Rogers’ bed frame and brought it up to its face.
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. D UST PRESENT ON BED . O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED .”
    â€œWhat?” Rogers blurted. “I just got here! How was I supposed to dust everything?” He shook his head, as if to rattle the absurdity out of it. “Why should I even bother dusting at all? The Meridan Fleet doesn’t dust   !”
    â€œC ALL FUNCTION [ PERFORM PRIMARY DUTY ]. W ARDROBE NOT ARRAYED IN PROPER ORDER . O NE DEMERIT WILL BE AWARDED .”
    â€œI didn’t even put that stuff in there! Give a demerit to Suresh in Supply!”
    â€œC ALL