Free Promiscuous by Missy Johnson

more than I already am.
    A familiar feeling washed over me, one I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then I realized what it was that I was feeling: happy . For the first time since the assault, I was happy.
    Still, I wasn’t sure that I could just be friends with Roman. My track record with guys as friends wasn’t exactly stellar. I quickly texted a reply, and then shoved my phone in my pocket.
    Roman, you’re a nice guy, but I don’t think I’m ready for anything . . . not even friendship.
    “Ms. Masters. How can I help you today?”
    Dr. Novak squinted at me over the rim of his glasses, his kind eyes immediately putting me at ease. He had been my doctor for the past four years. He was somebody I trusted—someone I knew was always there to help me.
    “I’m having trouble sleeping,” I explained, pushing my hair back into place behind my ear. I hadn’t seen a doctor since that night at the hospital. Had they sent the records to him? Why hadn’t I given a false name or something?
    “Is there anything in particular bothering you, Beth?”
    I shrugged. “Work, mostly. I have a lot of deadlines at the moment and I’m struggling to shut my brain off at night. It wasn’t a complete lie.
    His bushy gray eyebrows creased together. He glanced at his laptop, then back at me. “Beth, I want to talk to you about the night at the hospital.” Oh no. “You had bruising consistent with a sexual assault. Have you spoken to anyone about it?”
    I thought about denying it, but I was just so sick of everything. I sighed, deflated. What good would talking to someone about it now do? It happened so long ago.
    “No. But I’m fine, I promise.” My words came out like a plea. I wouldn’t believe I was fine, and I doubted he would either.
    “Beth.” He paused and pursed his lips. “I understand you not wanting to report it, but would you at least consider counseling? There are many good services out there especially for women in your position.”
    “Thanks, I appreciate your help, but I’m fine. Honestly.” He stared hard at me for a moment. I stared back. Could he see through my act? All I wanted was something to help me sleep and I’d be fine.
    He scribbled out my prescription and handed it to me. He also pushed a brochure across the desk. I took both. Sexual Assault. I sighed.
    “Just think about it. Please,” he asked earnestly.
    I nodded. If it would shut him up, then I’d take the damn brochure. I stood up and shoved them both in my bag.
    “See you soon, Beth.”
     
    I left the doctor’s and immediately checked my phone for a reply from Roman. I sighed. Nothing. My mood dulled even further when I remembered my promise to Coop. Great. Now, I had to compose the world’s most awkward email.
    Shit.
    ***
    Dragging open my laptop, I double clicked on the email icon. I tapped my fingers on the table, not sure how to start what I needed to say. All the words were in my head, it was just hard putting them down in a way that wouldn’t make me sound like I was crazy.
    Just write down everything you feel. You can edit it before you hit send.
     
    Coop,
    The truth is, I’m in love with you. Or I was—maybe I still am. Seeing you happy, as much as I want that for you, breaks my heart because it wasn’t me you chose. I know you probably had no idea how I felt, but can you understand how much of an idiot I felt like, falling for the guy I was paying to have sex with me?
    I’ll get over it, but it’s going to take me time. I hope you can understand that’s why seeing you is not possible right now, and I really hope you can respect that.
    Always,
    Beth.
     
    I hit send without a second thought. I didn’t want to sit there dwelling over the past. The only way for me to get over him, and what had happened, was to push them both out of my mind.
    I’d just reached a new high of embarrassment: Telling my former male prostitute that I’d been in love with him for the last eight months.
     

Chapter Nine
    Roman
    I poured