time to start one. We would ask ourselves whether we had enough in savings, if our jobs were stable enough, how many children we would have. I sighed over the endless possibilities.
As my mind wandered over the idea of carrying Jay’s child and how that could now never happen, I realized that I had missed my last period. Terror, panic and hope suddenly electrified me.
“We need to go home,” I whispered to Stella. I could no longer sit still. There was a chance that I could be pregnant. I did the math in my head again, noting I was six days late.
“You can wait like five more minutes and then we will go.” Stella rolled her eyes.
“You don’t understand—” I started to say but was interrupted by Gary coming back down the hallway with a small, unassuming, gun-metal-gray canister and a small, brown paper bag in his hand.
“Mr. Greenfield,” he said, handing the canister to me and turning to hand the bag to Stella. I didn’t know what the right reaction should be after being handed my husband’s ashes, so I decided to just nod.
“What’s in the bag?” Lanie inquired.
“Mr. Greenfield’s wedding band,” Gary replied. I again just nodded in his direction. “Till death do us part” seemed to take on a new meaning.
“Is everything settled with the bill?” Stella inquired.
“Oh yes, everything has been cleared. It has been a pleasure,” he said and then turned to help the woman and her children.
“Okay. Great. Let’s go.” Both Lanie and Stella shrugged and we headed toward the car.
As soon as Stella pulled up in front of the house, I raced out of the car and into the house and up the stairs. I slammed the bathroom door shut, locking it behind me. I could hear Lanie and Stella shouting after me, but I didn’t care. I rummaged through the cabinet, looking for the pregnancy test I had gotten several weeks prior when we had started talking about having a baby. I ripped open the packaging, quickly skimming through the directions. After following the directions, I sat the stick down on the counter, waiting the obligatory three minutes for either a positive or negative sign. A pounding on the door startled me.
“What the hell is going on, Jill?” Stella demanded from the other side.
“Just a minute,” I called back. I could hear her pause and mumble something to Lanie.
“Come on, Jill. Unlock the door,” Lanie called through the door.
“Really. Just give me a minute,” I called back. I must not have been very convincing, as I could again hear them whispering back and forth. I glanced down at the test again, thinking that three minutes must have passed. Slowly, the indicator on the stick started to light up. My heart sank and a low moan escaped my lips as I sank to the floor with the indicator stick in my hand.
“Jill, what’s happening?” Lanie was now calling a little more frantically while banging on the door.
Hot tears streamed down my face and my shoulders heaved up and down.
“Jill,” Stella yelled. I could hear them, but I couldn’t reply as each sob ripped through my body, making me incapable of communication.
“Lanie, is there anything to open this door?” Stella shouted frantically.
I could hear them shuffling outside the door. It sounded as if someone were playing with the lock from the outside. Finally, the door burst open and Stella stood there with a butter knife in her hand. Horrified, she looked at me. “What the hell is going on?” she repeated.
“Jill?” Lanie rushed to my side and tried to check my vitals. Someone tried to pry the indicator stick from my hand, but I wouldn’t let it go.
“What’s in your hand?” Lanie asked.
“It’s negative,” I bellowed, burying my face in the bathmat.
“What’s negative?” I could hear Stella whisper.
“This!” I finally said, shoving the stick in Lanie’s face.
“A pregnancy test?” Lanie and Stella both said, shocked.
“Well, I didn’t see that coming,” Stella