Free Alice Brown's Lessons in the Curious Art of Dating by Eleanor Prescott

batting your eyelasles. You’d have to be a nun with halitosis not to pull in here tonight!’
    Kate frowned distractedly at her computer.
    ‘No, I’ve got to finish this form. I promised Alice she’d have it by tomorrow.’
    ‘Come here and you won’t need the form, or Alice!’
    ‘I think I’m going to put Ibiza as my favourite holiday destination. It’ll make me sound fun.’
    ‘Christ, Kate, if you’re going to do this agency bollocks, you might as well tell the truth. You’re not a clubber and you don’t even
like
fun! Put shopping in New York; put facials in an alpine spa; put
a bloody fortnight in Cadbury World
! At least then you might get matched with someone who actually suits you.’
    Kate put down the phone and thought. Maybe Lou was right, for once. Not about going to the bar tonight, but about telling the truth. Being honest was frightening, but if she was paying £300 to join the agency and £100 a month, shouldn’t she make sure she got what she wanted? Andbesides, wasn’t the whole reason why she was doing this because she no longer had time left to waste? She couldn’t afford to be matched with the wrong kind of man. Every day was yet another day closer to being thirty-five.
    She didn’t have time to lie.
    She deleted her answers and started again.



ALICE

    If she didn’t share her big news soon she’d burst.
    Alice whizzed through the streets, pedalling as hard as she could, the wind making her clothes puff out around her as though she was cycling in a fat suit. Her tyres screeched as she took turns without braking and sleeping policemen at full pelt. Eventually she made it home, whipped out her mobile and dialled Ginny’s number.
    ‘Hello?’
    Alice’s ears were instantly filled with the sound of Scarlet, Ginny’s baby daughter, wailing.
    ‘Is this a bad time?’
    ‘It’s always a bad time.’
    Scarlet gave a scream that could shatter glass.
    ‘Guess what? Audrey’s invited me to the Dating Practitioners’ Society annual ball!’ Alice shouted excitedly over the din. ‘I’m going as Table For Two’s “matchmaker in the making”!’
    ‘About bloody time too!’ Ginny cheered triumphantly. ‘Cinderella’s finally going to the ball – and on the arm of an ugly sister!’
    ‘I can’t believe it! It means the society think I have potential!’
    ‘Alice!’ Ginny scolded. ‘You’ve got so much potential it must leak out of your ears at night! I can’t believe Audrey hasn’t taken you before, the miserable witch. But maybe it’ll give you the chance to bond a bit; speak as equals.’
    ‘Mmmm, maybe,’ Alice said doubtfully. Her spirits sank. She hadn’t thought as far as enforced socializing with her boss; and there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell Audrey would suddenly treat her as an equal. Still, at least Audrey’s husband would be there. She always made them sound like the most perfectly matched pair of lovebirds ever to have shared a branch, so they’d be bound to spend the evening glued together. And that meant Alice would get the chance to chat with the other dating professionals. She couldn’t wait!
    ‘So what are you going to wear?’ Ginny interrupted her thoughts. ‘Is it black tie?’
    Alice felt panic prickle in her throat.
    ‘I didn’t ask. Do you think it’s important? I was just going to wear a skirt and top.’
    ‘Of course it’s important!’ Ginny laughed. ‘It’s your big chance to be taken seriously. You can’t turn up in a skirt and top if everyone’s in evening dresses. You’ve got to dress appropriately. And yes’ – Ginny laughed as Alice began to protest – ‘. . . that
does
mean you’ve got to wear make-up!
And
heels!
And
get your hair done!’
    Alice felt sick.
    ‘I don’t see why I can’t just go as I am. I’d feel like an idiot in a dress and high heels.’
    ‘Tough!’
    ‘I don’t even own any heels,’ she mumbled forlornly. ‘Or a dress.’
    ‘Alice Brown! How can you get to the age of thirty-one